My Name Too

Dear Nicole, your name and mine,

It writes itself here line by line.

When we were both still married to men

Love erupted, flame-burnt cayenne.

I saw so clear, on mountaintop

A vine hung high, from where rain drops,

And leaped onto its promise of

Finding selves inside true love.

It swung me through a jungle, dark,

Miraculously untouched bark.

Terrified with eyes squeezed shut

I held onto that last breath, but,

the clearing quickly waxed, I gasped,

And saw you there with arms unclasped,

We reached, yet barely finger-tipped

What might have been a stronger grip,

Knowing I would swing back through

The deep, dark woods - me and not you -

I let my free hand slip away

To kiss goodbye your heart that day.

*

I’m sorry for what vision came,

For sharing half, a seeming game.

You see, I touched back down just now,

This is me telling you, avowed.

*

Please forgive me the break, reset

For the deny and the forget.

I would have stayed, unhappily,

Forced a smile through grappling.

*

Thank you, for a room to pack

For to not have to come back,

For the door no more uncracked

And for the ‘03 Cadillac.

*

I love you, you know, I do,

Like an ocean might love blue

For abstract beauty that makes clear

What it cannot see in the mirror.

*

How’s your mom, by the way?

She ever get over you being gay?

Loving a woman using you to survive

Divorce aftermath in a self-exercise?

You would never see it so.

You would fight and kill that ho

Before she spoke words versus me,

The one who saw and set you free.

Since this is true, I offer here

Continued space, though it may veer,

To bring your freedom to full light

And finish my role, good and right.

*

“Dear, sweet Niki,” you would pen

In rainbow gels, as we did then,

“I’m sorry for controlling you,

For the need and trying to.

Please forgive all that I did,

All I did not to keep you hid.

Thank you for trying to be

Who I wanted to love me.

I love you, I know you know,

I doubt I’ll ever let you go.”

*

Please do not send words to me

Please go on now, separately,

I’ll edit out your final line

Lest we continue throughout time

With uncut cords and energies.

Replace them now with memories.

It was right and good and free,

And now, goodbye…Sincerely, Me.