My Mom's Name

Dear Chris,

When I was 13 years old,

14,

15, 16, 17, 18,

Until I was 24,

when I had been alive,

on this earth,

hurling through space,

a talking monkey,

when I was alive

you took something from me

no revenge could return.

-

I am sorry

For being so quiet about what was happening between us.

An event

So quiet

No one could hear.

No one could help.

-

Please forgive me

For having no one to talk to.

You secured it so, though.

Bro.

You didn’t let me have friends.

I let you not let me have friends.

My mom thinks we were friends because you said we could hang,

So we hung.

From our silent tongues good for nothing else.

-

Thank you.

Thank you for the assault.

Thank you for the crime,

Which I learned

Years later

Was something that was neither right nor wrong,

It just shouldn’t have happened.

I should’ve,

You should’ve,

We should have, but we didn’t.

We kept going.

Thank you for a decade of delusion.

Defaced.

Thank you for not knowing my name.

Now, today,

I do this today,

Write my name in a way I never could

If you had never taken myself from me

And made me go find it.

I write my name

Like it’s me.

Thank you,

For me.

-

I love you.

I do.

I would have said,

“I do.”

Then it would be you

I divorced

And not that poor soul

Who is not you.

Who I said, “I do”

But I couldn’t,

Could you?

You did.

You said,

“I do.”

To who?

To whom?

The language fails.

I love you, still.

You took everything from me,

But you gave it back

In the years of your absence.

I love you for not being here,

I love someone else loving you.

I love loving someone who’s not you.

I love you:

”Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ah ah.”

-

"I'm sorry," you'd say.

I did you dirty.

I had my own,

and I passed it on to you.

-

"Please forgive me," you'd say.

I…I…I,

I don't deserve it.

Mercy eludes me,

who I used to be.

Forgive me for who I was.

-

"Thank you for staying with me,"

You’d say.

I would have taken myself off this earth,

stopped hurling,

stopped howling,

hooting and grunting.

Ha.

Your dream come true.

Thank you for not dreaming me out of existence.

-

I love you.

I do.

I love you.

I love you,

now,

and I'd hug you

for real.

I love you,

now,

I would make you feel

Loved,

adored,

intruded, no more.

I LOVE YOU

I love you,

I do.

Be happy and whole

with the piece that I stole,

put back in your heart so you feel.

-

Like revenge,

Forgiveness is swift

When its time comes

To release and run wild.

The difference is

Now we’re both free.

Sincerely,

Nicky, frankly.