My Heart is a Beautiful Nightmare

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=q39yCYicxXk&si=DWHMD61CuvuiiGVr

~

My heart’s been broken one too many times.

Sitting with you,

I realized you’ve felt much the same pains.

I feel it sinking in my heart,

How I want to hold you and love you

How I want to be still and contain the feelings

My eyes soften as I look over your pleading eyes

You’re searching for your identity

As much as I am

What could it all mean?

Could my heart be healing and aching for someone new?

Would you reciprocate the thoughts and the ache

Would my heart bleed

Would my voice plead

Just begging for the spark to return again

There’s so much sweetness to you

So much I could learn to love

~

I fear what my brain is saying

Even as I feel it

I felt how my eyes melted and focused solely on you

As if your breathing controlled my next breath

I hear the pleading in your voice to be loved,

Recognized,

Validated,

Held,

Embraced,

You’re wondering if love will ever find you again

So am I

You’re wondering if you’ve loved men out of obligation

I’m wondering if it could ever be within me to love a woman

We’ve survived

I’m so cautious now

So worried of another trauma-bond

So worried of loving you,

Obsessing over you,

For all the wrong reasons.

~

Darkness lingers outside the edges of my sight

I just want to set everything ablaze

Pour gasoline on the pile of pain that has been our experiences

And burn the pain down

The phoenix,

The rebirth that we both need

Through the fire and through the storm…

Will I be able to see what is the right thing to fight for?

I hate the confliction inside of me.

I hate the testimony of pain

But I’m still breathing

I’m still holding on for that one

One moment of peace

One smile

One breath of honesty

One love that feels like it’ll never be

~

There’s walls in place now

Chains holding my heart down

As I remember every promise that he made

I want to break the chains

I want to shatter the walls with a mallet

Take out all my frustrations on the brick and mortar that have swallowed me

And held me down

The bricks have been falling

Breaking the bones within my chest

Collapsing and burying the space around me

I’m reaching for a lifeline

But I refuse to acknowledge it

Can you take my pain away

I’m silently screaming on the inside

Begging for someone to see me

Wanting someone to take a chance on me

Wanting someone to truly love me

For me

Not for what I can give them

Not for what I bring forth

~

Is love even real?

I’m tired of feeling broken

I’m kind,

And then it costs me everything

I’m loving

But I’m met with broken promises and lies

I’m a caregiver

And look where that’s gotten me

Alone

Exhausted

Breaking more when I didn’t know that was possible

I’m so tired of being useful

I’m tired of being everyone else’s everything

I hate being alone

~