My "Friend"

I stand in the mirror and it's more so a window of my soul. My reflection is not mine instead it's who I see on the inside. I feel my own bones but in the mirror see fat under my finger tips. I run my fingers through my hair and as I look at my hands full of brittle strands, I understand I will never be beautiful. You see I have a friend. And really she is my best friend, I promise. Even if she has lead me to dark roads, she does it for the best. She tells me when I eat too much, she helps me stay determined, reminds me that one day I'll thank her because I will finally be beautiful, loved. So I listen to what she says, I go without eating and if someone asks I simply reply, " I ate before I came." Or, "I'm just not feeling well." I practice my lines to myself in my head, no one will ever know I'm just playing a empty role in my own life. I'll keep telling people that I'm just lacking sleep when they ask why my eyes have gotten darker. I'll keep my hair up in buns so no one will know how thin it is getting. I will wear baggy clothes so no one knows that I can outline all of my bones. My friend helps me get through every day, I don't know what I'd do with out her. She keeps my weight in double digits no matter my age and I like it that way. Truthfully, she has her flaws, just as everyone does. She gets in my head and makes me dizzy and I start to forget things. I get emotional easily because of malnutrition. I'm always tired, and my bones constantly ache, I don't know what it's like to not live in pain. But my friend always reminds me, "dear, don't you know beauty is pain?" So I push on and on every day watching my weight, pinching my fat, avoiding mirrors, and crying when I do look. How I wish I didn't need my friend, but oh how she completes me. What would I be without her? I have no idea, I have her since I can remember now. She's been my only constant. My only loyal friend. She puts me down a lot, "No one will love you, no matter how much you lose." "You ate a hot pocket today, did you read the labels? Do you know how disgusting your body will get? " Her voice never stops. I wish she would just shut up sometimes but she's very talkative. She tells me that she is what makes me, me. But how is that so when everyone else says she is killing me? The doctors are worried, my mom cries, I'm in and out of hospitals, and my friend can't tell me why. My friend says everyone else is overreacting and that you gotta push through the pain to get to the good part. But today as I'm sitting in this hospital bed, tube in my throat, I.V.s covering my skin, and oxygen in my nose, I am beginning to think my friend won't be happy until she sees me in my casket. You see this friend is a snake, and in disguise. She says she's going to make you the best you, but she just wants your end. You see she's possessive and wants to consume me whole. So my grave will be her happiness, it feeds her ugly soul.

~ Blue