Mummy's Special Cupboard

Mummy has a cupboard, she shares with Santa Claus

It’s where she hides the presents, and the gin of course.

In it are the next sized coats, and bigger shoes and clothes

Nancy’s Secret Garden, and other filthy prose.

The cupboard hides the gift wrap, bows and sellotape

As well as 20 Regals, for when mum’s out of vape.

Mummy has a cupboard, she shares with Santa Claus

It’s where she hides selection packs, and packs of 3 of course.

In it are the children’s teeth, and locks of baby hair

And sexy Polaroids, of Mummy’s bum all bare.

The cupboard hides new toys and games, and wonderful surprises

As well as mummy’s special clothes, dress up and disguises

Mummy has a cupboard, she shares with Santa Claus

It’s where she keeps the cards and notes, and hand-cuffs, of course

In it lurks the chocolate, eggs and golden coins

And special plastic willies, to tickle mummy’s loins.

The cupboard hides old photographs of mummy as a bride

I wish she’d cleaned her cupboard out before she went and died.