Mood

I woke up today in a dark mood.

Not necessarily a bad mood

But dark.

Like holding up a true mirror to myself and knowing

I am not going to like what I see

But I have to face it and sit in it

Kinda mood.

I am a mess right now.

Have I been successful in life?

Depending on how you define success, sure.

But at what cost?

My ability to mask has been exhausted and people only liked the mask.

The mask was productive and therefore had worth.

I have letters after my name - DVM, CVA, etc.

But also cPTSD, ADHD, ASD

I have compassion and kindness and empathy and love in spades

But I also have hard-earned superhuman hypervigilance, hyper-independence and pattern-recognition.

Some call this trust issues.

I don't bring a lot to the table, by conventional societal standards

And that weighs heavy on my shoulders.

That kinda mood.

BUT, as my wonderful sister has pointed out to me,

This phase of the healing journey has only been a little over a year.

I've only been trying to undo DECADES of trauma and grief and confusion for a little over three years.

Grace and compassion belong to me too.

I don't even like the table.

I prefer to sit on the floor.

Grounded.