Maine

It’s cold here in Maine today.

13 degrees with 34 mile an hour winds.

That’s cold.

My body can’t function in this. It hurts too much.

I doubt anything would actually help.

With no warm blankets

I'll just put my space heater on, along with a sweater.

I’ll sit at my desk looking out the window at the sun.

I’m a Mainer, this is what we expect.

Putting on our flannels, and L.L Bean boots.

I fit right in.

But take a look closer, what are my eyes saying?

I write, I have to express myself on days when I have no one with me or to talk to.

Otherwise, I'd lose my time and mind.

Racing thoughts, and memories. Don’t hold me down to the ground with gravity.

No, my mind is 12 steps ahead and turned the corner.

Leaving me behind for its own personal journey today.

Why? I do know, but also don't now why either.

The catch twenty two.

My mind does this a lot.

I suffer from complex PTSD, borderline personality disorder, major depressive disorder.

Among many others that stem from those.

Living with mental illness along with chronic pain and a heart condition can have its challenges.

Yes this is true.

But be thankful it hasn’t happened to you.

It’s hard.

I can go from laughing and happy to rage and anguish in a matter of seconds.

Maybe that’s why I feel like I am playing the part, as this born and raised Mainer.

Covering myself in the flannel and sweaters

To cover my true self up?

Though I know this is not the truth, mental illness plays tricks on you.

Without knowing it, your mind could be gone before you have a second to even notice.

But, then comes the pain.

And it’s cold here in Maine.

And the cold hurts.

-ej