Limerent

It’s not about wanting to be in love, it’s about controlling someone else.

Never would I have considered myself to be obsessive; hell, I don’t even think I would consider myself emotional

Recently I’ve become attached, almost as a devotion to a man who I don’t believe has the same feelings towards me

I want the affection; I crave the attention and intimacy he could offer me – looking at his face genuinely lights up mine

Anxiety engulfs my mind; he’s active, but not answering. Why is that? Is there someone else?

Am I too much to crave? Are my emotions and my battles too harsh to conquer?

Deep down, I truly understand our connections would be severed if it were to be pursued

Why then do I crave hearing from him. My body requires his attention to live. I am obsessed.

As I carry on with my day, I check my phone to hear from him, his notification fueling my system to keep pushing for the next one.

I am addicted to the idea of him – I must detach. Help me detach.

We aren’t meant for each other. I don’t even believe I want to love him.

But I want him to love me. My body needs him to need mine, and never let it go.

Eating and sleeping are out the question – I just want to know what he’s doing, what he’s thinking. His mind is not mine to understand, but I can’t stop fantasizing about it.

Too pushy, I think. I am egregiously pushy, but I thought this was normal.

He is the only person I care about hearing from. My life force is stolen every minute I go unnoticed.

Rationally, which I normally am rational, this would not mean anything for our relationship.

He is a busy man, and so am I. Why do I obsess so continuously, then, over him.

Limerent is the verb that describes me, I am limerent. I am not in love, I just want control.

Sometimes I believe this is out of the fear that whenever I do fall in love, they’ll leave me just as quickly as they met me

It is not rational, yet nothing I’ve felt has been rational after meeting him.

We aren’t officially a couple, and honestly, I do not want to be one. Why then am I obsessed, no, limerent about these ideas?

If he left, I would be destroyed. My heart shattered like glass on the kitchen floor, yet realistically my heart is in one piece

What am I craving, and why must it be love with him? He gave me one sliver of hope, and I managed to turn that into a feast of limerence for myself.

I need to detach. It’s not something I want, it’s something that is required for my heart to continue beating. Yet I actively choose not to.