Limerence

Limerence.

I watch two boys love,

fall in love,

make love.

I watch and I

yearn/regret/wish/hate.

ཀ

I want the strong jaw, like a coarse-cut diamond:

I want the rough mouth,

the calloused hands,

the foreign tongue and the

thoughts about love,

European in texture and quality.

ཀ

I break my own heart with these

romanticisms, these

musings.

Dark freckles like star spangles or

paint spatters.

Organic constellation mapping

skin the color of

beeswax,

coffee-and-cream,

peach flesh,

etcetera, etcetera.

ཀ

I break my heart,

but I don't desire this:

the symptom that shapes itself in my psyche as

Limerence:

obsession,

aching,

desperation,

desire,

fire, and

violence.

ཀ

I am not a girl or a woman;

I am revolted by myself:

I want to split my own hide and

peel it back,

step into the clean air and purifying light

of youth,

innocence,

seduction.

ཀ

I wish to be somebody I never was:

somebody who has never

and

will never

exist.

Humans like these exist only

in printed words and in

scripted scenes.

ཀ

But the pain?

That is real.

The heartbreak?

That too.

This is Limerence.

This is a symptom.

And yet

it exists in the realities of

minds and hearts

hemorrhaging from their imaginary wounds.

- - - - - - - - - -

Limerence is a symptom of some Personality Disorders in which the sufferer becomes fixated on a person or persons, real or fictional. This romanticized obsession interferes with the sufferer's reality in the form of distraction, intrusive thoughts, intense psychological yearning, and emotional suffering.