Letters to Heaven

A challenge to write an epistolary.

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~Dear Brother, 8/2/14

Yesterday I stood and gave your eulogy. I still can’t believe I found the words. I left early that day so I could sit for an hour with you before the ceremony. I cried all the way there, I got lost in the city and I only got a half hour instead with you.

They had you in a big open spaced room with chairs like a church, when I laid my eyes on your coffin I was so completely shocked into stillness. I couldn’t believe you were really in there. When the police told me that you had been found dead, I heard their words but I couldn’t feel them. Not really. I kept waiting for you to come around the corner and say ‘geez who died?’

I don’t know how a soul as big as yours could leave this earth without my knowing it? I sat with that journal of yours I bought you for Christmas, that you will now never get to write in and finally found the words for your eulogy, cutting it close I know. Somehow sitting next to you in that room gave me the words I couldn’t find all week.

I held on tight to that book the rest of the day. Like it was my final piece of you, my only place to find you in. I can tell you honestly I can’t go a whole lifetime without ever speaking to you again, you are my best friend.

Perhaps if I write to you in this little blue police box notebook, then the universe will help me get through these days and maybe you can read them up there while you wait for us.

Love your Sibling, Forever and Always.

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~Dear Brother, 11/2/14

Today I decided to stop running and stay home. I’ve been out busy every day avoiding my house or being alone. It took me hours to get up from the lounge and tidy up and I laid down on the couch and fell asleep again. For hours.

I thought after the funeral it would be easier but now I have nothing to keep me busy and focused. In some ways it’s harder now. Being at home, seeing your handiwork everywhere I look. You spent so much time here recently, you’re written all over the walls. Nothing is filling the hole you left behind. I feel like I’m being dragged down every time I remember what happened to you.

I miss you so terribly Brother.

~Love your Sibling, Forever and Always.

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~Dearest Brother, 15/4/14

Mum called me today. She said she is cutting off your phone account today.

I decided I wanted to record your voicemail so I could hear your voice whenever I missed you. But in my attempts to find a way to record it I became aware of how much I am afraid of it being cut off. Whenever I wanted to talk to you I would pick up the phone. I would call you and you would be there. That was my direct line to you. Even now I think of you and I pick up the phone.

I sat next to your coffin in the funeral home and just cried. I ran my hand over your engraved name plate and felt terrified that you were laying in that box. I felt an overwhelming urge to hear you speak to me. So I called your phone and listened to your voicemail over and over while sitting with you in that room.

I was afraid all the pieces of myself were gonna spill out and scatter but hearing your voice held me together.

And now every time I have missed you or wanted to ask you a question I have called you. Your voicemail has become my proof that you were really there once. My assurance that your still here somehow.

Now it’s going to be cut off today just like you were from me and I am now realizing that maybe I wasn’t coping as well as I thought and perhaps the day I call your phone and a lady on the end tells me ‘this number is no longer in service’ that I really will break.

I am realizing that I wasn’t just holding onto the sound of your voice.

From the moment I stood in front of evidence that you were gone in that funeral home, having you on the end of the phone has kept you alive for me. It’s kept me going every day since.

I needed to see you that day, before the funeral, it never would’ve sunk in for me otherwise. I would’ve seen your coffin at the funeral as a spectator on a chair and then they would have closed the curtain and it would be like they were taking you away from me. I wanted to sit with and hold your hand as best that I could. But seeing you there made it all very real for me and had I not found a way to keep you with me with that phone I am not sure I would’ve made it out of that room.

Now how do I explain this to those around me about to cut you off from me again?

~Love your Sibling, Forever and Always.

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~Dearest Dad, 5/5/22

I wanted to tell you what we did today, I have wanted to talk to you all day.

Today we said farewell to you, we laid you to rest and sent you in the heavens with colours and love.

We all got together, all of your family and sat together to reminisce and coloured your casket with memories and words and drawings. The kids were all there, pen in hand being awesome.

I bought plush bunnies for the kids to keep and we had your guitar and your music and all your beautiful words and pictures to look at and listen to.

The morning was spent the way you would have wanted, the colours of your family I know brought you many joyful tears and eye rolls from where you were watching over us from.

Your youngest granddaughter got pretty upset towards the end when the space for drawing ran out and the truth set in.

Your grandson quietly drew all the love he has for you in his little corner and My oldest took care of Nanny.

The youngest was there, he drew pictures all over and he coloured in my drawing of a Tardis for me.

I had a hard time in the end, leaving you there and walking out was the second hardest thing I have ever had to do. My littlest brother was there, he took care of me.

We had lunch all together, I stuck close to your Love and ordered Caesar salad in memory of you.

You are my hero Dad, you were always there for me, there for everyone. I honestly don’t know how life will go on, but you taught us well and we will follow in your steps all the way through our days forward.

I love you Dad and will miss you more than words can say. Rest In Peace and tell your son up there, it’s his turn now to take care of you.

~Love your oldest Child, Forever and always.

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~Dear Brother, 7/5/22

Well, Its been a long time since I have come to write in this book. I don’t come with good news either.

Today is Saturday, the last day of my holiday.

This week we said goodbye to our Dad, which I'm sure you know since he would be with you right now. I’m sitting under a very big tree by the beach at a park bench.

I took my kids and our littlest brother and his family to the Bird tourist park this morning, that is where Dad took us last year on a family outing.

It has been a beautiful day of love and smiles and I’m so happy we went in honor of Dad.

Losing you, Brother, it broke me, changed me forever. So losing Dad, well that was just more. More of the same heart wrenching intensity I have always had.

I didn’t break again - I don’t think I bottled it up either. I guess thats the really morbid silver lining to losing someone who is so much apart of me- the rest falls away with time.

It doesnt hurt any less, you just forget to think about it. I guess I got use to the pain as a part of me.

I tried to give the kids an honest and healthy way to understand and grieve him. A way to say goodbye that they can leave behind and move forward with peace. Something I never had with you.

I also wanted to give them fun too. We went swimming, shopping and the adventure today at the bird park. We took so many photos.

Next time they lose someone, and they will, they will build on the memory of this grief and they will make it through.

Unfortunately, loss is something we all forget to teach our children, mine learnt it so early on with losing you, I wanted to give them better memories this time.

We coloured in his casket and wrote messages of love- his body was sent to the earth in a beautiful display of color. I know he would’ve loved it.

I sat with him before the funeral, by his closed casket, just like I did with you. The memory of sitting with you seeped in and touched the sides of me but it wasn’t until the song Dad use to sing came on that I truly felt the pain of brokenness that I know all too well. The words in the song, ‘everything’s gonna be alright, rockabye- bye bye.’

It was a brand new gash down the same old wound. I honestly don’t know how I got up off the floor after that. Last time I felt this way, Dad was the one who picked me up off the floor and carried me home.

I had trouble leaving Dad there after the funeral, I physically realised I was alone in the world now. Without you, without our Dad. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t leave. It was just me left.

Our littlest Brother picked me up off the floor, held me up and helped me home. Something changed between him and I this week and I think we’re gonna be ok now. He really stepped into your role, became my rock in that moment.

I hope it stays like that, you should stick close to him Brother, he will need your heavenly guidance more than ever, for who you were to me is who Dad was to him. We are both broken now.

There’s no words to describe the devastation I feel when I remember you’re dead. Now I have to remember Dad is too.

I don't know that I ever will, it will be a shock every single day.

Tell Dad for me, I’m going to be ok. I’m going to think first and panic slowly, say less and do better. I’d like him to feel OK about being gone. I know that’s why he held on so long, he wanted to keep taking care of us and protecting us. I am going to make sure nothing takes me down. I inherited his strength to keep on going and it is a power I am going to harness wisely. I found his final message too, ‘Closing time’.

Tell him I love him and I miss him so much already. Tell him I said ‘I was right, but it’s ok that he was wrong cause now he has an eternity to learn all about God’s love.’

Take care of each other up there, I have to say, It’s a tiny bit easier knowing that you are both together.

~Love your Sibling, Forever and always.

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