letters for you

Despite it all, I forgive you.

to whom it may concern:

you were my safe space.

i'll never forget reading your mouth,

hearing your words explode into the air around me,

"i just didn't want anything to be wrong with you"

after all these years, all these different skins, i thought you too, might be different.

so here i am once again, nurturing you, providing you with strength,

will there ever be a conversation where you're real? where i can be me?

"no, no, there is nothing wrong with me" i stutter,

"i am beautifully unique"

as my body convulses, remembering the embarrassment of being called weak.

this is why after all this time we cannot just begin or repeat.

"she is just a little slower"

you'd tell the school, thinking like a fool they'd have my back,

there were days i felt like no one would see the target, and then you'd spin me around and scream "aim here!"

my spine would crumple, and shrink five levels in hopes of not being seen,

it was nice knowing though, how you really thought of me.

"you just aren't working hard i guess" you'd boast, on topics unknown.

guess i have to work harder? it's already so hard, but okay. despite the duress, the stress, and this fucking mess, i'll work harder.

i ran right into my answer a few years ago.

turns out i am beautifully unique.

i am autistic, and there is nothing wrong with me.

for years i was told that the sensation in my chest was made up.

that what i was - wasn't good enough.

the third grade teacher who tried to help me, report the abuse, report the negligence, help me succeed; was villainized, criminalized, and exiled.

a decade later you called me up, to tell me your third husband has passed and you are desperate to be remembered at last.

i dropped it all, let you crawl back in.

i am not sure why i believed after all of these absent years, you'd respect my vulnerability.

you couldn't even do that when legally inclined.

"I am autistic, is that why Ms. Ward was let go?"

you aren't going to manipulate me this time, but your pause said more than i wanted to know.

"i just didn't want you to be different - and you didn't look autistic"

and with another ignorant rant, she finished by shoving her entire foot in her mouth.

it must taste awful, and what a fall. you were way up there.

high on your horse, on that golden pedestal.

you moved up, married rich, victimized your reality and monopolized on its' success.

congratulations, i wish you nothing but the best. i truly do.

- p.s. i consider myself lucky. i wouldn't want to be NT

it's not me who lost out, let's make that clear. it's you.

just like this forgiveness, is for me.

you'll never be able to provide me with the truth, it's been hidden so well.

i've drawn the conclusion that it's okay.

plus with your looks, well the corrupt construct sides with you anyway.

good for you too, joining the military. would you call that irony?

do you see it as coincidence?

i wonder if your façade only works because you glaze the mask to your face with such precision.

i wonder how many others have noticed, that there is another ivory abuser, hiding in uniform.

i'd expect nothing less, given your track record, of course,

a coward cannot respect truth, and an abuser doesn't value life.

it's harsh, and humbling but pertinent facts,

moving forward, i want you to know that i can see you.

i see you for what you are.

very possibly for the first time but you haven't been human for awhile.

sure, no one can inherently be completely bad but at what point does it begin to tip towards more sadistic realms.

you don't value life.

you don't respect life.

you lack value in substance.

you disrespect grace at epic proportions.

you'll continue to live in that quiet land, you believe to be vast,

you'll surround yourself with yes-men but a day will come, sooner than you think and you'll be all alone.

left to consume your poisonous existence, choke on whatever cocktail of karma personally served by the universe, or whatever justice still remains,

and you'll think about me.

how you took a childhood.

how you devalued a human being.

i feel sorry for you.

you're so far from being human, it's a disgrace.

you're a drought. drying up.

i am as complex as the sea. timeless.

i am going to drop you now, leave you here.

my whole life i was told i needed you

turns out, that's a lie, or maybe it's truth but either way, they never had to endure you.

well, that's all the time i have for you now.

i am onto bigger and better, i'm going to leave you right here,

for the buzzards.

- they like trash, your kind; pitiful, sick decay