Kryptonite

I didn’t know how to say the words

“I love you”

So instead I said , “we don’t need the condom anymore” and I hoped the message would come across.

You were the one, the only one.

I wanted your everything.

I said it with my eyes.

You slapped my ass when we were done and laid next to me for awhile smiling from ear to ear. I took that as,

“I love you too”

The truth is, I wanted you to be it. I craved your happiness. I wanted you to achieve the success you had been seeking for a decade and I wanted to be by your side while you did it.

That was a little girls fantasy you let me cling to for years.

This way you could always come back. This way you could always demand more. This way you could ask for all the things you didn’t deserve.

You dangled a future in front of me and I helped you decorate it. You starved me of every human connection two people could feel for one another.

Except lust.

So lust became everything I looked for after you. The easiest thing to find and the easiest thing to lose.

Poison.

You taught me how to ruin myself.

Cutting you off from my consistent supply of love, and still wishing you success, was the single best thing I’ve ever done for myself.

But, if I have a grown child some day, how would I teach them to live with an open heart, and, also explain that they won’t survive this life without being numb to it’s beautiful monsters that dance around beds?

Only when I became too jaded to enjoy a lust high, did I think, maybe, I should try something else. Maybe, I should love someone again. Maybe, that could be a rush.

So I started with me.