Johnny and Pony Boy

I finally have the courage to say what I have to say, but it's too late anyways, and I'm wondering who's to blame. Because I'm standing here today talking to your grave. I can tell you now, I never hated you, got very angry but never did I blame you. I can tell you now how those cigarette therapy sits looking back were ignorant bliss. One of the things i most often miss, even after I quit. I can tell you now that I have struggled with many emotions towards you, but never once thought I would see the day that I would be disappointed in you. At least not in this way. Tomorrow makes a year since your body has decayed, but somehow my confusion remains the same, and maybe it's driving me insane, but when you're lost what is there really to gain? You say to stay gold but as you left everything became shades of grey, what did you expect from pony boy when johnny goes away? You were a rebel with a cause, so misunderstood; I a girl with a lot of flaws and as wallflowers we stood. Lighting up blunts under the bleachers, blasting Dizzy Wright over the speakers, always having each others backs, things I can never get back. No one tells you when you are living your golden years, but now I know they are gone living with out you near. I can tell you now I hated the way you cursed so much, and how you were on a constant search only finding superficial love, I wish I could get into your head that you don't need a girl when you have ohana in friends. I now can tell you that you would have been a great dad, and everything, everyone you lost, you didn't deserve that. I wish I could look into your eyes when I tell you that you are the brother I have never had. I know how you wanted to live in the woods so I packed my stuff up and headed there as fast as I could. I think of you at bonfires and when I go on hikes, I think of you when I see my daughter, and almost every night. I think of you when I eat ice cream and lay alone in bed, I think of you taking selfies on the edge of my bed. I think of you hoping that you will come back, not accepting reality fearing it will set me back. I keep waiting for your texts, your yells, your calls, waiting for a "you are my family, I love you" before the sun falls. I am waiting to be okay with the thought of never hugging you, I am fighting to hold back all the tears I hold for you. I want to just shake you and make you wake up, I want to just yell in your ear in until you yell "shut up!" I feel like rose, yelling for you not to let go, as your body is already stiff not staying afloat. "Please, don't let go."