It's Funny

I was lost and afraid, broken, in pain

My own thoughts were attacking me

I was spacing a lot

Seeing life from a different view

My anxiety got too much

Reality gave up on me too

It’s funny that I can’t remember when it started

My whole life is constantly bombarded

With poisonous thoughts

I want to give up

Don’t let me give up

I control them only slightly they battle me nightly

Trying to take back the reins

Depression and anxiety

It’s funny

You give them a name

And you understand them more but feel more pain

Because now you know how sick your mind is

With invisible diseases no one else realizes

The struggle

The battle

The wins and losses

Because we may lose the war

And we’re lost in the masses

And these illnesses only get recognition

After they’ve beaten all their competition

And even then we don’t give them the credit

We blame it on the weak who couldn’t fight it

And we say they were young

Or gone too soon

But do we ever tell them

When we’re in the same room

When we’re standing face to face

And I look you in the eyes

Would you tell me you don’t want me to die

Sure, you’ll say you would now

But you won't think about it three weeks from now

When I have a smile on my face

I say I'm doing fine

You don’t know that I'm really lying

So you think I'm okay

That you can just walk away

And I can't blame you

Because you don’t understand what we go through

You think we choose to pretend

And put on this face

But it’s a defense to avoid the human race

Because everyone else has something to say about my brain

Can I tell you a secret

I feel so alone

I have no one to talk to when the nights get too rough

No one who understands my going through stuff

I'm so alone

By myself

In a bubble

My own personal hell

And I can’t even escape it

Because I built myself in and deleted the exit

I'm so selfish

My brain is wired to think they’re all looking at me

And I can’t help but think they’re all judging me

From inside my glass walls

I act like I know it all

And that they’re all waiting for my fall

I must seem so aloof

In reality I'm slowly drowning in a sea of all the little thoughts in my brain it’s a zoo

And I try to seem alright

But my blank face is the only one that keeps me from crying

Pretending I don’t care

Because that’s somehow better than pretending I want to be there

To be here

To be anywhere

I don’t know what to do

Swimming in an endless sea of anguish

If I see enough stars do I get a wish

Before I fade

The lights are dimming

I can’t tell if I'm still swimming

Darkness takes hold

But I'm still alive

Because the only thing worse than my thoughts

Is being tortured by life

In my mind

By invisible forces

They took control

These knights on white horses

And I tried to breathe

To escape this please

But the air was toxic

My arms were bound

There were voices talking

But my thoughts were too loud

It sounded like they were trying to talk to me

I couldn’t tell what side they were on

I pushed them away

What the hell is going on

My body on autopilot

I can’t control what it does

It keeps people out

It keeps me in

I feel so trapped

And I just want to win

A single battle

I want to feel like I matter

Not just to anyone

To myself

I want to look in the mirror and not feel like hell

I want to love what I see

To love who I am

I want to accept myself exactly as I am

Because I have questions, I have doubts

And there are days I don’t even feel like myself

I feel trapped behind doors

And my mind its on fire

I'm burning up from within

Why can’t I just let someone in

And I stop

Just for a minute

Stop breathing

Stop thinking

Just live in the moment

So frozen

I can't help but think

If my life was like this

Who would I be

If I felt peace

If I respected myself

If I cared about things

If I was more open as well

Where would I be

If I didn’t slack off

If I didn’t give up every time it got rough

But that’s not me

I can't think like that

Wondering what ifs and wanting to take it back

My mistakes

The choices I made

The darkest times when I almost made it to the grave

That stuff made me

It shaped who I am

Without all the struggle and the places I've been

I wouldn’t understand

What it's like to feel down

To be broken, in pain

Even what I'm writing would all be in vain

A shallow attempt to seem more relatable

Because I wouldn’t know what it's like to hate yourself oh

I see what I missed

That all of my problems

All led to this

Now I'm here

I'm still alive

Because somehow I made it through the torture in my mind

And I'm living

Yeah I still feel that pain

But I've made it this far

I can fight another day

Not because of the pain

But in spite of it all

I've made it too far

To let them cause my fall