In this life, I would like to grow old alone

01.

Are you lonely?

I don't know why, but I never seem to be able to understand the word lonely.

Whenever someone sees me doing my own thing alone, eating alone, shopping alone, they will ask me if I don't think it's meaningless to be alone all the time.

When I say I don't want to fall in love and want to be alone, they will also say how lonely it is to be alone.

I would ask, "What does it feel like to be alone?"

It seems that from the very beginning, human beings are a kind of herd animal.

We have family, friends, and lovers, and we think we need a partner to go through life. Because we are all like this, we are all connected to people around us, and this relationship is like a spider web that extends in all directions.

But I want to be alone all the time, I even wish I didn't even have a family, which may sound evil. But the feeling of not having anyone in my life is really good for me, it's reassuring and comfortable.

02.

Ever since I was a kid, I've always liked being alone, and I like peace.

When I was a kid in the summer, I liked to sit alone in the yard, watching the orange-red sunset in the west, counting the stars in the night sky, listening to the sound of cicadas, and feeling the cool breeze.

Every time this time there is a sense of peace of mind that no one comes to disturb me, that feeling makes me very comfortable and enjoyable.

Now when I am alone at home, I often move a chair, sit on the balcony, close my eyes and listen to the sounds outside the window, that is the life around me.

There is the sound of the wind, children chasing and laughing, adults washing clothes in the yard, and carpenters working a "knock knock knock" sound ......

I am like an invisible bird, through the air, feathers brushing the leaves and flowers, flying to the side of those people to see their lives, but they do not find me, always letting me have a childish sense of joy.

For me, these relax me more than talking with people.

03.

What does it mean to be so-called lonely?

Some people say that when you want to talk to someone or want company but find that you can't find anyone to talk to and keep company, that feeling is loneliness.

However, for me, I like to record my thoughts and memories in words, which can be gentle words, plain narratives, or angry venting.

Words are language, and words are what I confide in. I don't need to put in the effort to speak, and I don't need to worry about whether the other person will feel uncomfortable because of my words.

Companionship doesn't need to matter to me what the other person is. Dolls and bears, music and books, can be my friends, they have been very quiet with me and understand my happiness and wounds.

This way, I sometimes seem too cold and seem uninterested in the things around me. I just put them in my heart without saying a word, and then quietly processed them into what I imagined.

04.

The life of a person is long, full of bumps and thorns, but also full of roses and romance.

Some people say that if you don't get married, you'll be alone when you get old, with no one to take care of you, and you won't be able to take care of yourself.

The best time of your life should be below 35 years old, during which time you have a simple and carefree childhood, a crazy and youthful youth, and a mature and struggling youth.

In my opinion, I have enough. I don't care about life and death, I see myself as a guest in this world. I cried, inadvertently intruded; will also be silent, leaving this place.

The company of others is like a rope that will bind me and hold me; it is also like a wire that casts a cage around me, making a cage around me imprison me.

The mundane mortal world is so long and complicated, and the time to leave it behind is also the beginning of new freedom.

I imagined what would happen if there was only one person left in the world. There have been five biological extinctions in the history of the earth, and some researchers say that the next one will be the extinction of the human race.

When the extinction, humans will leave one by one, when the Jurassic dinosaurs, I thought about how that last dinosaur was feeling at that time. Faced with the fear of death and loneliness?

Perhaps only at that time, when I became the only one left, I will feel afraid and lonely. After all, it is only when you lose that you feel the importance of the loss.

Perhaps I enjoyed being alone in a crowd, rather than being completely alone.