if you're not first, you're last

good for nothing sacrifice, am I the winner or simply the prize?

A lack of self-love; why can't I be saved another way that doesn't require one of us to be a sacrifice?

I don't love myself enough to value my existence and this reoccurring theme is what I have been born into; maybe I am simply a rat on a running wheel that can't seem to tell the difference between the wheel and the maze ahead of him, running on an illusion and its no wonder it feels as though I am never getting anywhere.

I can't hate the game, I hate the player; because that player is me and I suck at the game.

I have spent too long wondering where the help I needed was, why it was so hard to do this alone, WHY did I have to do it alone.

I'm not upset about it actually, see i've realized that once I've seen that I am an asset and avantage to my own good I could make something of myself.

Although, every time I try to tell myself this.. I end up back in the hot seat screaming at myself "haven't I focused on myself long enough, only to still remain a disappointment?"

I sit and wonder how long it'll take for me to hear the right words to be able to believe in them; sometimes you have to hear things 100 times before you listen once.

sometimes being a success is simply knowing you can take care of yourself.

sometimes, if not always being a success means being a failure first, sometimes we have to lose and that is just part of the process.

If you're not first, you're last and I mean that as in the longer you put others before yourself the longer it takes to reach who you are.

Tell me, what does it take to be first?

My path is an untamed garden, growing wild and fierce yet with no one there to tend to it, it grows unruly; in many ways, what I have ignored on the inside, shows on the outside:

a garden with no one to tend to it, trim its hedges down and pluck its bountiful fruit, simply waiting to be discovered, cherished, and adventured.

I've spent so long tending other people's gardens that I forgot about the one I have growing in my very own body and spirit. How resilient it has stayed, blooming despite being in a drought as if to say when you are ready to come back, we will already be ready for harvest, ready for you to explore all that this is.

I am my own garden that I so desperately searched for as a kid, the hidden door in my closet that led me to a beautiful garden where I was safe, where I was heard, where I was me, completely me.