If I Could...

If I could, I would have talked to you today.

Just to hear your voice

And to let you know I worry about the hard things you're going through

Not to pry or offer unsolicited advice.

Just a wish that I might hear a hint of joy

You deserve joy you know.

And I suppose to hear friendliness in your voice.

To find relief that you aren't mad at me any more.

I won't even bring up that I don't understand why you were mad at me.

I'll just accept that you were and that your feelings are real and you have a right to them.

Your birthday is coming.

I have no way to tell you happy birthday where you will see it or hear it.

I have no direct connection to you anymore

It's almost as though I died in your life.

But that sounds too final.

Someday surely we'll get past whatever is wrong.

That somewhere inside of you is a seed of love for me?

A seed that although hard and dry now, with the right conditions, it might grow again ?

I face each day with that hope.

I know you are just short of 30 but I still remember when you were 3.

Your smiles were big and the world hadn't slammed down on you yet.

Just know, if I could, I would erase everything that has ever hurt you, whether by me or others,

So you could live life joyfully like the 3 year old you once were.

I love you always.