i wont live with what ifs anymore

I try to squash butterflies in my stomach.

I wont’t have you-

I can’t-

I don’t get perfect things.

I can’t will you to look at me

The way I look at you.

You’re not thinking about what it would be like

To lay beside me

To fall asleep with me in your arms

You don’t look at the passenger seat of your car

And imagine me smiling over at you

Hand in your hair

You don’t hear a song and wonder

Is she thinking of me

When this comes on shuffle?

Kids

Dog in the yard

White picket fence

Exploring downtown cities on vacation

Boars game night with my family

Road trips and sour gummies

Hugs and sweet nothings

You may be my home

But I am not yours.

I try to silence that feeling in the bottom of my heart -

That voice that Ive shoved so far down

Because I know its wrong

Its always wrong

So when it shouts from the bottom of the pit

That this is it

Its him

It will all work out

I tune out the screams

I wont live with what ifs anymore.

Hope is what hurts the most