What do I do, now that you're gone?
Over are the glitz and glam and lights and music
Gone is the comfort and solidarity I feel when with you
What do I do now?
You are my greatest distraction and greatest healer
One I desperately need
When I am with you, I don't have to think
I can be a version of myself that is free
You accept me just as I am
You don't require me to be something else
With you, I get to be the real me
But you're gone now
You've left me
And I now live in the grey
In the in-between
I am a facsimile of my former self
The self I am when I'm with you
You allow me to be vulnerable in a world that allows me anything but
You give me the space, place and time to be gentle with myself
To play
To laugh
To dance
To sing
To be happy in my beingness
And every time you leave, there is a tear in my soul
Even though I know you'll be back around again
It still hurts every time you go
I wish it didn't have to be this way
I wish you could be here all the time
But I know enough to know that if you were here at my convenience
I wouldn't treasure and value you as much
There is something about pain, suffering and loss that invokes gratitude
Sometimes, in ways you never imagined it would
So I will wait for you, for you
I will wait for you
To come back around and fill me with joy again
I will wait for the safe space that is you
I will wait for the shelter, emotionally and physically, you provide
I will wait to hear the clarion call of your music
I will wait to hear the call of my tribe
I will wait for the time to congregate and fellowship in unity and harmony once more
I will wait for the time to be served and poured in to
I will wait for the time to be loved
Unabashedly and unconditionally
I will wait for the time to be truly seen and heard
And I will never take a moment of it for granted
I will wait for you
About the Creator
Whitney Smart
Certified Life Coach & Workshop Facilitator specializing in Self-Awareness, Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Resilience coaching. I also write a sometimes.
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The Me You Can't See.
I'm extremely emotional today. For several reasons, if I'm honest with myself. And I would like to be honest with myself. I'm not sure how long this will be, but the length doesn't matter to me. My honesty with myself is my only goal right now. I think I've done a very good job of lying to myself about why I'm upset about things in my life. Mostly for fear of seeming weak, or broken, or unsure of myself. So basically human. But the more I teach about self-awareness and emotional intelligence, I'm truly realizing I can't be preaching this stuff in workshops and not being honest with myself when I'm upset about things that deeply hurt me or affect me. Call it a side-affect of childhood trauma, but as a kid, I was never allowed to feel or express my emotions. I had to suppress my deepest fears, anger, anxieties, sadness's, etc. So now as an adult, I still sometimes struggle with acknowledge things that bother me. But after years of therapy tied in with the work I'm currently doing, those faucets are open widely and will not be closed any time soon. So, here goes…
By Whitney Smart2 years ago in Confessions
Reactor 4
I only ask that you get what you deserve. After all these years of putting yourself first. I can't deny the shock nor the relief that somehow still hurts. It was either you or me that needed to leave and I don't know which way was worse. I'm glad I didn't lose my nerve. I'm glad you can't swallow me up anymore. The fallout was endurable because I had already planned on radiation poisoning. I witnessed the meltdown of our egos flush away any chance at redemption. I knew you weren't infallible but you still had to prove you were. How do I redefine myself when you were the one defining factor? What more can I disregard? Every single red flag and inconsistent flaw? Who was I before the procedure of lobotomy? You left me in standby mode and now I'm in recovery mode. Who am I after this hypothetical treason? If I remember the despair, then I remember everything. If I ever said forever, then I'm sure I meant it at the time. I watched these events unfold as if I wasn't an active participant. Life just happened as if I had no will or choice. I could have altered my course and sailed for new waters. Instead, I sat the helm and marooned this shipwreck into hostile Mercury. I tried to even the score and keep three steps ahead of you. Why did we treat this love like a competition? This board game of a marriage was a crooked one from the start. Rewards and punishments were the way I demonstrated my resolve. How could we have spoken the truth that everything was falling apart? How did I ever believe that you were redeemable once? I don't know if certainty will ever find me but I will search for it with the utmost sincerity. I've already pivoted from scheduled unhappiness. Deviating from unwelcome reality and inevitable consequences. I always wanted more but you always settled for less. The strongest commitment was the one I could only make for myself. It's just a flimsy word when actions don't align and you never follow through. I kept projecting the worst I could imagine and you still somehow managed to undermine even that. This broken alliance hasn't summoned a surrender out of me yet. I am still loyal and devoted, just to myself. You had me wallowing in pity notions and unfounded doubt. Because of you, selfishness is something I could do without. You were the collateral damage in the war against myself. You continuously chose yourself over everyone else. Somehow, you still bring out the worst in me. Somehow, I still let you have this profound effect on me. What is this hellfire I keep waltzing through? Why do I allow this hysteria to continue? Will this lunacy ever end? When will your ghost stop haunting me and let me move on? I have new elevations to conquer. I have more sights to behold. I must cut out this cancer like a tumor in order to heal. This meltdown is imminent and must be shut down. I can't escape the contamination but I can escape you. We have been hazardous to ourselves and it's time for inoculation. My gas mask is useless but it's still my best defense. I will go left while you go right. I can't focus on you anymore if I want to flee from radiation sickness. I can still make it out alive. I know I can
By Anna Torres6 days ago in Poets
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