I was a shell

I was a shell

They say those who have the deepest pain

Share the biggest smiles with the world

But I couldn’t smile

I couldn’t hide my pain

I wasn’t strong enough to do that

I’d envy those who could

Even if it was fake

Who could carry themselves with some semblance of resilience and strength

Not me

I was a shell

It took me being drugged, raped and almost murdered

The feeling of cold metal against my teeth

It was almost dying that woke me up

It’s here I came alive

All that felt bleak and hopeless before

All of a sudden felt clear

I found my fight

I found my light

It was all I could do to keep from being sucked into the darkness

From becoming a part of the abyss I felt growing in my chest

Like a black whole sucking me in

Piece by piece

All of my life, I felt like a china doll

Meant for the enjoyment of others

Beautiful on the outside, created to be used, easily broken and even more easily forgotten

Almost losing my life caused me to learn to live it

To learn to love it

To learn to love me

I am no longer something to be used and discarded

I am worthy of love

I am worthy of life

I am not wrong for being me

I wasn’t created an anomaly

A cancer

A mistake

And although the world still feels lonely sometimes

I know I am here to just be me

And that makes the world a better place

I am brave now.

My smile is real because I know that although life can be pain and misery, it can also be magic.

I found mine in my depths.

So, today, I live.

Today, I’m alive.

Today, I am free.

Today, I am unafraid to be me.