I Think of You When

I worry about what touches my mouth

I keep pajamas under my sheets and outside clothes on top

I think about sleeping next to someone else

I want to get married

I flirt with someone I’m not supposed to

I want a partner - for all that we pretended we were

for all I wanted you to be

I avoid others by being in the bathroom for too long

I want a bridal party

I see brides being supported on their wedding day

I think of being without you in this city, even as antagonists

I think of being with someone for the rest of my life - for all we convinced ourselves it would be us

I go to physical therapy

I don’t have anyone to watch true crime with

I do sleep next to someone 

I don’t want to be touched

I want quiet time to myself on Saturday mornings

Someone asks me the last time I visited my alma mater

I am grateful for my peace

I am grateful for my freedom

I don’t want to waste time

I am happy to go out and dance my own way

I kiss who I want

I am not afraid to show affection in public

I wonder if I am regretful

I do not regret

I tell others “you can say congratulations“

I remember the secrets we know about each other that I will never speak again

I post my writings that are about someone else - even if it’s not always about you

As I wonder how long this poem will take to feel complete

As I struggle through getting rid of the tightness in my throat.

I see new facial hair

I walk around where we used to live in bliss

I look incredibly happy next to someone in a picture

I think about how you don’t know anything about my life now - not the people who love me, where I work, where I live, how long my hair is

I am free

I am grateful

Loved ones give me advice

I like someone’s laugh

I wonder if you remember to check in on my websites that you wanted me to warn you about

I am hyper aware of waking up in a much smaller bed with no room for anyone else

I think of what I thought love was

I am grateful someone thinks I am worth the inconvenience of picking me up at the airport themselves

My brain blocks out things

Someone suggests Joshua Tree

I think of putting a bumper sticker on my car and decide against it

I pray

I think about how much I used to travel - how much I used to sacrifice

I am grateful for a better relationship with my parents

I don’t hide things anymore

I am no longer trapped by my empathy for you

When someone else has a migraine and I am grateful mine stopped.