I’m That Fat Kid Who Loves You

Why are you there?

Why do you linger when I want you not?

Why do you cause so much destruction to someone who is already broken, shattered, torn from the inside — dead?

Then I stop and wonder. It couldn’t be you.

You would know better than to do that.

Maybe it’s the manipulation of the powers-to-be. Maybe it’s just one of those “putting things at the top of your mind” because, well, they do know that you are top-of-mind. They put ideas in your head that you try so hard to remove, to discard, to throw away, to burn. They know you’re bad for me, and yet, they make you appear constantly.

Maybe they know I would be even more empty without — more than I already am. You, who have become a big part of my life. You, who I know will eventually leave, just like everyone else.

I can’t deny I want you around.

I can’t deny that I wish you never appeared in my life.

I hold on to every moment we spend together, and yet, my mind keeps you on a loose leash now, because that way, when you break free, it won’t hurt too much.

My wrist.

Or my heart.

You. You, who I can have. But, you, who I should not want.

Because you’re cake.

And I’m the fat kid who loves you.