I'm not Scared, I'm Just not Dumb.

I'm lying next to you, your sleeping body relishing in your escape of reality.

I can't sleep again.

Loneliness just hits different when you're next to your best friend. I wonder, are you even my best friend anymore?

I turn my head to watch your naked chest rise and fall.

Nothing.

No like or dislike. Nothing romantic or platonic. I don't love you...or anyone lately. Just...nothing. I hadn't realized until now that loneliness feels a lot like depression. I hoped that the spark of comfort of having you as my best friend would make me feel confident that we're still okay...but we're not are we? I've been avoiding reality, again, haven't I?

Sighing heavily, I imagine what it'd be like to finally tell you...

To the boy who cries alone:

You once asked me why we couldn't be together,

to which I responded,

"I don't love you, i'm just lonely."

I can't love you.

Even if I wanted to.

And it's not because I'm afraid; i'm just not dumb.

I sometimes think i'm more so your friend than you are mine.

That might explain why I still feel so lonely when I'm with you...

Why me being a couple years older seems like a decade between us.

I don't even know why I let you touch me.

When I see you, I see a little kid in his 20's.

Maybe it's because I was you at one point.

Maybe it's because I'd rather you break your own heart than someone else's,

Not that it's worked.

I know that you don't love me either...

or the other two girls you're trying to convince that you're devoted to.

I'm okay with you not being in love with me...but what i'm not okay with is that you want me to be in love with you even though it wouldn't be reciprocated.

You never said it, but I see it in your face when your wiles don't phase me. You know that I don't see you like you want me to, but for once...you're the one getting rejected.

These other girls...they don't even know they're about to become past tense lovers.

I'm sitting on the sidelines watching girls come and go. I've even warned a few, but they won't leave you.

They never listen.

But still I feel awful, for both being your friend and for letting you use my body when theirs aren't available, or when you just want to feel safe in familiarity.

You really piss me off, honestly.

Still, I can't lie and say that I don't care for you, because I do.

Sometimes I wonder if your obvious need for approval is why those girls won't leave you.

Maybe they see what I see.

I know it's why I hold you, because I know somewhat understand what you're going through.

Back then, I wish someone would've held me, too.

Regardless, I only see you as my friend and nothing more.

But, gosh, you make me sad watching you try to find yourself, crushing people along the way.

And I can't help but hope that one day you'd say with tears in your eyes, "I wish I could mend every heart I broke."

Staying your friend would be worth it, then.

I don't even know why I'm still here honestly. I don't gain an award bring with you. I can't save you or anyone else. I'm just spectating even though I have the ability to leave.

Honestly, I think I resent you, but because of our history it's hard to just walk away.

And I want to leave everytime you try to seduce me.

Your tongue speaks sweet words, but I must be diabetic.

They mean nothing to me and it apparently confuses you,

but I've played this game before.

Now, I'm not judging you, but i'm also not gonna lie to you.

It's true that nothing n this situationship will help you discover who you are, anymore than if we hadn't done anything at all.

I regret that I keep giving into you, because...

Sex doesn't heal.

Not this kind.

You'll still be lonely when it's over...you'll still be lost.

Trust me.

And if i'm honest, If I could tell you anything it's be this:

I like your face.

I like your hair.

I like your smile and your teeth even though you don't.

I like you better when we're joking around and playing music, than when you're trying to get me underneath you.

I like it when you're innocent.

You make me feel like I am, too.

It's how our friendship was before...whatever this is now.

Friendship minus all the toxic.

I miss that.

I miss who we used to be before there was so much pressure on me to mend the wounds your father left.

There weren't as many memories of my father while I watched you break hearts.

That was before.

Maybe one day you'll see that of all the hearts you broke, you broke your own the most, and even though I care for you, i won't let you break mine.

Not because i'm afraid...

but because I'm not dumb.

Then again, I'm still here... So maybe I am.