I Hope You Die Before Me

because I am

a coward

because I don't want

to watch your body

shrivel into meat

that used to be you

because I would throw out

your toothbrush

on day two

and cry harder about that

than your name

because I know

I'd stop answering the phone

because I'd want the silence

more than the condolences

because I can't

clean out your clothes

I can't smell you

in a sweater

and survive

because I would write

"he died"

in a text

and then go to work

like it meant

nothing

because I am not

the kind of woman

who stays good

when grief comes

because I'd flirt with strangers

and laugh too loud

and hate myself

for healing

because if you die

I will sleep

in your dent in the bed

until it forgets you existed

because I am not built

to carry ghosts

I let them rot

inside me

because if I die first

you will touch

someone else

and she will not know

how you snore

or how your hands

tremble

when you're lying.

because I want to be

the last body

you love

even if

I have to bury you

to do it

because I want to mourn you

before you're gone

so I can love you

without mercy

because if you die

I can scream

without guilt

because if I die

you'll keep going

and I can't forgive you

for surviving.