I Have a Mental Illness

I have this thing inside me, kind of a switch on/off button, but the problem is that I can’t control it.

I start to feel numb while my head starts spinning and the walls get closer and closer, until I feel like suffocating bit by bit.

I get a lump in my throat, I start breathing heavily and with every breath a little bit of the progress I had made goes away, every time.

"IT WILL NEVER STOP" I keep thinking in my mind.

My heart beats like it is trying to win a marathon. It could get out of my chest in no time.

Tears fall from my terrified eyes, no control, no reason.

I’m shaking, hyperventilating, kinda fading.

My fists close as my nails make my skin bleed.

My heart bleeds, why does it have to happen to me?

I see it, the pain in my mother’s eyes.

She feels guilty, powerless, she gets me, she feels me.

She’s been going through this stuff many more times.

She repeats to me "it will never stop but you will learn to control it."

My psychologist says "Take deep breaths, you’re okay, it’s all in your head."

"Am I crazy?" I ask myself.

No, it’s just a panic attack, now sit down and take deep breaths.

It is all gone, even if it felt like death.