I don't feel well.

I am sick,

Someone asks “Is it the big one” I am sure they jest, but also a valid concern.

How could it be? I have not left my house, but twice in 7 weeks. Ordered groceries, only necessities, I left for a dentist appointment twice.

Both times - mask, hand sanitizer, soap. Argued with them about how my trays could have been shipped, grimaced when the woman at the front desk said they would open by May 1st.

I talk to a nurse online, call an urgent care. “Don’t come in, stay home see how you feel in a week or if you have fevers call back.” “Isolate yourself and drink fluids,” says the google quiz that populates when I search my symptoms. Thank god I didn't throw away the lidocaine from who knows when. Don’t judge, the pain is unbearable.

How bad is a fever 99, 101, 102? I was told I was safe if it fluctuated call back when it was consistent. “Call your primary healthcare provider.” Who has one of those? I have whoever my job lets me have, when I don’t have a job whoever the state lets me have…..if they let me have.

If I had a healthcare provider I would have them fill my Butalbital; I only have 6 left. I count all my pills. How many can I skip? Could I cut them in half, would it help?

I have slept off and on for days even if I didn’t know the day I could tell by my plants.They droop delicately. I hope they will be fine, I felt good enough to water them today. To write this today. I see the news, people dying and things opening. I want to go back to sleep and pretend it is all a nightmare. I didn’t take my PTSD medication is all. I counted wrong. I will wake up shortly. Just a nightmare….though this one has been the worst by far.

But it's all still here when I wake up.

I still don’t feel very well, but I am still here.

That counts for something.