I Can't Sleep

- I stare at the ceiling above me

As I lay alone in my bed

While you're away working your graveyard shift.

- I don't want to close my eyes,

But they're getting so heavy;

My mind starts to wander again in that pre-dreaming state,

And I dread what I will see tonight

As I ponder the things that have been flitting through my mind lately.

- My eyelids seal over my eyes for the night

As I think about her...

And you...

And her kids...

And her and you and her kids all together.

- I can't sleep;

I'm too afraid of seeing it again,

Of feeling it again,

Of waking up crying and screaming because it just hurts

So damn much to think about you with someone else.

- I can't sleep

Because I can see you sitting on the couch

With your arm around her as she curls into your side on the couch...

Our couch...

In our house...

Right in front of me...

But you'd rather be cuddling with her.

- I can't sleep

As I watch her kids run to you

And call you "dad"

And tell you how much they love you;

I can see how you adore them, too,

Especially the little girl...

Something else she can give you that I can't.

- I can't sleep;

It's devastating to hear you two talking and laughing

While you think I'm sleeping in the other room

Because you two are on the same sleeping schedule...

Maybe if I stayed up with you all night

You would be happier with me...

But maybe not...

Because I'm not her.

- I can't sleep;

She's laying in the bed with you, sleeping up against you

With your arm draped over her the way it should be draped over me

But you say it hurts too much for you to sleep with me like that.

- I can't sleep,

And I know you'd be happier if she were here talking to you

Instead of blowing your phone up with texts

While you're stuck here with me.

- I can't sleep

Without thinking about how much prettier she is than me

And how she can do everything I can do

But twice as good...

And how she has less mental and physical hindrances

Than I ever have.

- I can't sleep

Alone in this bed wondering if you really have to work late

Every day or if you take that extra hour to swing by her house

Just to see her and those kids.

- I can't sleep

Because my mind is flooded with images of you and her

Kissing on the bed in the middle of the night

And of younger times when you let her mark you...

The way you never let me mark you...

You might as well already be hers.

- I can't sleep

Knowing that you'd rather have her,

But you're stuck here with me and our baby.

- I can't sleep

When I can see her carrying our baby around

In his baby carrier, strapped close to her chest

Listening to her heartbeat instead of mine,

Being calm and quiet for her when he seems to just cry for me.

- I can't sleep

In this much pain...

Maybe if I just stepped out

Or just offed myself...

Yes...

Then nothing would stand in the way of you two.

- You come home late again

And ask me how my night was...

Why I look so tired...

Why I can't sleep...