i can't escape t h a t feeling

*PLEASE LISTEN TO THE SOUND WHILE YOU READ MY POEM ;)*

~

I washed my hair tonight. That was when I knew something was wrong, I never wash my hair at night. Only mornings.

My legs were trembling pillars of weary endurance.

I couldn't speak or move. No talking, no words, no murmuring.

Silence.

Finally playing the role I needed in my life.

My head went quiet. My eyes opened a realisation.

Then that weight with unspoken words appears back to pull me down.

I try, so desperately try, to exhale you, to let the air settle without the taste of your name lingering on the tip of my tongue.

I love him.

I still love him...

It is not the absence of his body I struggle with; it is the ghost of him.

That thin thread connecting me to a time when I was somebody else.

I'm second-guessing myself.

Maybe it's because I believe in second chances.

But I refuse to put myself through that again.

Could I ever truly untangle myself from a love that was never fully yours?

Do I simply surrender, lean into the ache, and live as half a person, forever searching for the shape of the whole I've lost...

There is no clarity of this uncertainty.

One moment, I feel the sharp sting of freedom, the intoxicating allure of possibility—I could be free.

I know the answer will not come in the morning or even an atom of the present moment. It will not come as a whisper or as a shout, but in the quiet tug of what could be and what is.

Some part of me will always be waiting for you to remember what we were, even if that memory no longer exists.

Although how could I possibly move on like this~

I can't, I got a war in my mind.