I AM NOT BROKEN

Amalee Jordan age fourteen explores love and pain and looks at how they combine in the highs and lows of her life. These will give you a greater understanding of how her neuro processes engage with the world around her.

Bear with her and go with the flow of her writing, and explore how she feels. Her poetry articulates her experiences with a world forever at odds with her life.

FEELINGS

What is life?

Why are we here?

How did we get here?

What are feelings?

This is one thing

I’ll never understand

What are feelings?

No one knows for sure

Happiness

Sadness

Anger

All involve tears

But what does this mean?

Feelings make no sense

How do you feel?

ANGER

When someone touches me

Anger floods my body

I can’t hold it in

I can’t deal with this feeling

I take it out on people

Hitting

Punching

Making them feel the pain

I don’t want to feel.

The taste of anger

Is forever on the tip of my tongue

I’m ready

For the next target to take my anger out on

Anger is no fun.

WHY NOT ME

Why so pretty?

Why are so perfect?

Why so skinny?

Why so happy?

Why can’t this be me?

I sit and glare at myself in the mirror

A numb feeling over my body.

Why so ugly?

Why so unpleasant?

Why so fat?

Why so unhappy?

I stare at her photos

Happy smiling face

Perfect body showing

Millions of likes

And perfect comments.

Then there is me

Natural face

Not a perfect body

23 likes and only three comments

Why not me?

Why?

EXPECTATION VS REALITY

I am not annoying

They all love me.

Smiling with a masked face

Happiness no masked face

I’m so annoying

Why do they all hate me?

Oh, look everyone cares

Why does no one ask?

If I’m okay?

Hello, what’s your name?

I can’t do this

What if they dislike me?

SLEEP

I sleep to get away from reality

To put all my worries

And pain behind me.

Sleep is a happy feeling

No one shouts

No one causes me pain

No more overthinking.

I can dig deep into the happiness of dreams

I can imagine anything I please

Away from that awful place

Outside of my dream.

DEATH

That sounds peaceful

Doesn’t it?

No more pain to live through

No more people to deal with.

Death is silent

You can’t hear a single word

Only your thoughts

And memories are still there.

You regret jumping Off the roof

As you lay still , only your soul left

You could have lived the perfect life.

You could have escaped that awful place

Start a new life

Make more friends

Find someone to love

Travel far

Find a dream job.

But you can’t do that anymore

Can you?

But you haven’t been freed from that awful place

Where now?

LIFE

Many things make me happy

They make me forget

All bad things behind me.

Drugs make me happy and free

Alcohol makes me forget

Smoking makes me calm

Self-harm makes me numb

Crying makes me vent

Sleep makes me stop feeling.

OVERTHINKING

Doesn’t she like me?

Is there something about me?

What if I did something?

Does she think I am annoying?

I sit glaring

Nothing else

Thoughts rush through my head

On the outside, I look normal.

This is reality

Thoughts taking over my life

Overthinking is too much.

Why am I so annoying?

This is all I think

Is this reality

Why can’t I live peacefully?

SCARS STAIN

I stand

I stare

Tears drip down my face

Pain fills my heart.

Crimson blood drips

I feel behind

It’s fun

I can see I am alive

No longer begging for pain.

The emotions have dripped

No longer there

I smile

With no fear or pain

My heart is empty.

TRYING

Trying to be brave

Trying to be a role model

Amazing diet

Grades immaculate

Perfect body

Everything is the best.

Trying to be the skinniest

Making everyone happy

Great diet and not much food

Skinny as can be.

Studying every hour

No sleep

Best grades

Must reach the top

Lots of make-up to be beautiful

Heavy face but not enough

Need more

Must be pretty.

This is my perfect life

Skinny

At the top

Pretty

That’s what she told me.

I AM NOT BROKEN - Poems by Amalee Jordan