I am in love with my sons teacher.

TLDR: My disabled son’s teacher is a better mom than his actual mom and I’m sad I’ll likely never be able to truly find love.

I am a 30 year old Dad to a 6 year old disabled son. I made the mistake of marrying someone that clearly should have never had kids. We had our boy when I was 24. We had known each other for about 3 years before this. The relationship was almost always tumultuous, we were both absolutely terrible for each other. One day she told me her biggest dream was to be a mom & I made the mistake of believing that she would become a better person if she was a mom. I got her pregnant almost immediately after and he was born with some mild autism and ADHD. He is developing mostly normally but he has a hard time with attention span & is currently limited in vocabulary.

We enrolled him in a private school that specialized in speech & motor delays. He was assigned a teacher named Gwen that stays with him pretty much all day. Before this, my wife would watch him all day while I worked as a SWE about an hour away. She’s still a “SAHM” because this program is only for a few days during the week.

Since enrolling him in this school he has made amazing progress it’s like he’s a different kid. He can speak a few words now, can hold eye contact for minutes at a time and is just overall happier. Whenever he’s with his mom he’s the complete opposite. He’s scattered, always being yelled at despite the constant reminders that he is not like other kids. He’s just neglected, she never shows any affection and he doesn’t show her any either. They kind of just tolerate each other.

I’ve stayed with my son countless times whenever I have some free time from work to see what he works on with Gwen. She manages to somehow capture his attention, makes him giggle and laugh and learn new things daily. She makes him little snacks and tucks him into his nap sack during the day. For anyone that works with developmentally delayed children, you know this is so fucking impressive.. I eventually found myself wondering how his development would have been like if he had a mother like her.

Now I would absolutely never do anything that would jeopardize Gwen and her livelihood. I understand my thoughts and feelings are inappropriate. I try to never do anything that would make her uncomfortable. There have been moments where my son runs off and does his own thing where she just stares at me and gives me such a warm smile & I start to wonder if she feels the same way. She even wrote my name with a little heart on it once. She’s a year or two younger than me, no ring on her finger. I have never asked her about that part of her life because I think it’s kinda inappropriate.

I have pretty much accepted my life will be pretty much devoid of having a loving partner. The only joy I have is my son. In a few years my son will age out & I won’t have Gwen to look forward to seeing. It is almost cathartic to type this out, thanks if you read this far.