Growth

It's difficult to grasp, a gap,

But it's there.

I can feel it.

Not a shadow, not a hole.

It's not dark, sinister or lost -

It's just gone.

How to explain?

It's like a rush of air -

You feel its pressure on your skin

And the pleasure of your hair blowing back

But then it's gone

Even though the knowledge of it stays -

And that's the gap.

You could reach for it

But what would be the point?

You can reach for - what?

There's nothing there

Anymore.

It would be great, wouldn't it,

If you could conjure what's missing,

What's gone

And in the second that it appears

Hold it, cwtch it, smell it

Embrace the fact that it's here again

Until it flies once more away,

Diminishing until

It's indistinguishable again.

Savour its warmth,

Its closeness, its meaning to you.

Did you imagine it?

It feels like you did.

If you did,

If it was a product of you,

Then you could recall it

Like a stored file

And experience it again

Whatever it was.

And you can do that -

By degrees, in flashes

But it doesn't always match up.

And this is where it matters to me

Because I know what you are

And I see what you are now

And I want what I know you to be

But what you can never be again.

This is how it is.

This is how it should be.

And it makes my heavy heart ache

Because it has become the punchbag of memory and nostalgia,

Bruising me with the negative space

Created by growth.