GRIEVING ME

Any feeling at all is something worth having. I hope if you remember anything it’s that I tried every day to feel something more. That I begged God to show me how. I stood in our sunroom surrounded by everything I loved and I cried to no one. It never lasted more than a second. I hope you remember the way I said I love you. The way I squeezed you but could never say what it meant. I hope you know what it meant. You can let the anger wash your wrists and I won’t be there to stare deadly at them. To smile with only my lips. I tried to show it in my eyes. I care for you. I watched your chest breathe like an infant. I want you to be cared for. You can give away my things. You can sell them or burn them if it makes you feel better. I want you to do something with the feelings I could never feel myself. Any feeling at all is something worth having. So when you feel relieved I hope you know I am too.

— ODH