Grieving, Mama Donna

ELEVEN

I haven't cried in three days.

the flow done lost its reason.

The water's lost its wave.

I shimmied tears to the brim,

that never jump.

Looking back, it's been a joy to be alive

but got damn the lows.

Grief always came an inch too close without permissions,

so did the self-awareness.

I could project my heavy with a sigh.

I held my breath in triggered defense.

and still had to run.

if it caught me,

if I followed my worst fears into fruition,

trajectories too close to the ground,

I would tumble down the depths of rabbitholes,

too consumed by the uncertainty of darkness-

uncertainty that made ways for doubts.

I went to tragic lengths, sometimes

to recover all that had been lost.

Escaping rejection before it could reach my ears.

I preferred to hurry in haste, away from the feelings

that echoed back the ways I never quite measured up.

Life happened so fast for the fleeting dead.

It wasn't fuckin fair.

That when I laid to close my eyes in the quiet,

the silence still shook.

Still rocked me to my core.

The smoke had been holding me down,

I kept swallowing a chimney filled with shame.

Cradling pains.

No time for second rounds.

I threw my fears to the ocean

and yet,

still attached, I almost drowned.

We rode in silence for hours

I wouldn't contort or bend to break the peace.

I had heaven on my street,

harping to humble beats.

I took my chance in the ring

we bloodied red with war and harsh words.

I loved you through your darkest days.

I felt you from across the world.

Oh, what a feeling.

That left you breathless all the same.

Death -

I wish I could say he snatched you from my stronghold,

but it wouldn't be the truth.

I had held on with a loose grip on it all.

You were never mine to begin with.

Truth is,

I never got the chance to say good bye.

I took my time too often-

yours was limited.

They called me in your last days . .

I thought for sure, I could see them coming.

I thought I had more time to find you.

I always wondered where you wandered to.

All the days I took for granted,

in all the feelings harbored in the dark.

There was still love.

Love that smacked me with an open hand when you left.

Love in the open palm, resting.

I wanted to sit in misery,

I wanted to take your pains away.

Love in the open, behind closed doors.

It hurt so bad when you passed me on by -

if I could just follow these trailing tears back to heaven.