girlhood stays

Yesterday afternoon I made an observation

One that came from wasting away my morning lying in my loneliness and in my nude

My belly had been burnt by my heating pad with purpose

I get angry with myself when I do this, hiding from the sun when I need it most

Especially now that I know getting ready takes longer than it ever has

I pluck the dark hairs from my areolas and I wonder if girls still pluck petals from flowers for confirmation of being loved

When I finally leave my home, I remember that I want I remember that I want to practice my outside voice

I have been trying for a while like another choice is on the other side

Or joy

My prayer looks like taking the longer route home

It always has been

Maybe because this feels like a second wave of girlhood

And if this usually happens in the same year that you turn 26- I am ok

I want to name every girl who reminds me

I am an observer of my past selves

I want to make an ode to them

In a profound way that I believe Sade has done

Maybe then I’ll be better at directions

Maybe then I’ll meet my own protection spells

Sometimes watering plants is my equivalent to spirits wetting my tongue

Letting loose what I thought was no longer serving me in broken boundaries

I’d rather be consumed by that than ever having to do tedious tasks again

Like sitting with wonder

That have I really lived

If not many lives