GET OUT OF MY HEAD

Hey you,

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

We haven’t. Even. Spoken. In over two fucking years!

How do you have this kind of hold on me?

I’m so fucking angry.

I’m so fucking tired and done.

I’m done with you. I’m done thinking about you, about the past,

and stupid pathetic false futures.

I want nothing from you.

I need nothing from you.

I banish you and any thought of you from my mind.

Begone THOT!

Works on multiple levels.

I hate this.

I hate my brain’s obsession with you.

Pointless.

Absurd.

Ridiculous!

You weren’t even into me!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m freaking out a little bit.

Why am I like this?

Why are you like this?!

WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS?!!!

Why can’t I just not think about you?

It should be easy to not think about someone you haven’t seen

in ages.

Someone who hasn’t spoken to you

in ages.

Someone you didn’t even fucking know

anyway.!!!

Okay… I’m okay.

I don’t care about whatever bullshit that was in high school,

though to be honest,

you can go fuck yourself for that.

I didn’t need that.

I didn’t deserve to be fucked with like that.

I tried not to fall for you. You have no idea how fucking hard I tried to

not read into things,

not assume that what you did meant

anything.

It was exhausting and confusing and I failed anyway

so haha fuck Jade—

can’t just fucking leave well enough alone, can they?

The others weren’t enough?

How many unrequited feelings can one person have?

What the fuck kind of masochist

am I?

—just so fucking idiotic that I’m doomed to repeat that shit

for the rest of my life?

I was a kid! I was stupid. I’m not normally stupid.

My fucking father destroyed any belief I had in

"love"

anyway

so why the fuck can’t I just

stop?

Why can’t I just tell feelings to fuck off?

Look at the evidence. Look at my history. Look at what happens to me

when I have feelings for someone and

YOU.

You fucked me up so fucking bad you stupid little shit.

WHY COULDNT YOU HAVE JUST LEFT ME ALONE?!

Why did you act that way?

What was the fucking point?

Was it fun for you?

Was it just a game?

Why did it feel like that?

Why didn’t you fucking change when you started fucking them?

You should have acted differently. You should have showed me that

we were just

friends—

(though, friends don’t just stop talking to you forever so there’s that)

—classmates,

people in the same club. Fuck.

You shouldn’t have made me feel like you might

actually give a fuck

if you didn’t.

Why the fuck did you show up?

Why weasel your way into my life

and my head

and my heart

just to abandon me?

I can’t abandon you.

I can’t leave you behind and

move on.

Why should you get to?

Why should you get to do all the things that

every

fucking

person

I know told me people do when they

like you?

Why should you get to treat me like that

and then turn around and act like it was

nothing?

I can’t even say

you chose someone else cause I wasn’t a fucking choice, was I?

We weren’t on the fucking Bachelor.

It’s not like you lined your prospects up and then threw a rose at one of us.

It’s not okay to just act like that with

everyone.

How the fuck are people supposed to know what you are thinking?!!!

Why should I have had to override

every single instinct to accept that you were

BLATANTLY and OBVIOUSLY flirting with me

just to have you throw it in my face

that I know nothing and

that your actions meant

nothing?

This shit is not easy for me asshole!

I am constantly trying to figure out what the fuck people are

doing or thinking or meant or what they

want

from

me.

Fuck that. Fuck you. Fuck me.

I don’t want to try to figure people out.

People aren’t worth figuring out, and in the end

all love is good for

is ripping your fucking heart out.

Peace out bitch.

We’ll see if I can get my brain in check.

…I did not, in fact, get my brain in check.

-JD