From a Very Plainly Named Girl - Please Buy a Baby Name Book

If Emily and David

Have a baby and name it

Nicholas Roman Santiago

Or Evangeline Perla

That kid would quickly unfurl the

Tongue of wrath and hatred

Struggling through a life wasted

To repopularize names

like Grace and James

Only for them to become bored

And pass down names like “Board”

Or Karona Or Covit or Vak’sine

Or Pa’qit or Lemonjello

To name his twin brother Orangejello

And on and on goes the ugly dance

Of which is better the traditional brands

Or names so unique

The children go weak

Just learning to spell

In a brand new hell

Surrounded by kids only named Josh and Jake

Or Plosh and Rake

No more Mary nor Harry

Nor Barry nor Jerry

But unusual things like Barely and Verily

No more names from the Dictionary

Because it sounds nice

To be named Confectionary

Is there no happy middle

Not anything in between

Complete monotony

And the utterly obscene?

Your child is not royalty

Do not name her Queen

Your child is no marvelous trick

He’s undeserving of “Maverick”

Though there are worse options

Kids put themselves up for adoption

With names like

Meconium or Chlamydia

Who’d want to keep ya?

All in all the world’s gonna fall

Even though the order’s not so tall

Just please don’t go insane

Or lose your brain

The day you give your newborn a name.