Forever More

If you love me let me go

is what I hear you screaming with your mouth shut

You love me with your whole heart, but still ache for more than just us

I do not blame you

I even understand

We’re wired differently

Shown through our connections

I devote my entire being to the one I choose

Your heart doesn’t stop beating for the others around you

You could find and will find a feeling just as meaningful

And that terrifies me

You say you won’t act on it, won’t cheat

But how am I to ever feel special if it’s never just me?

I do not want to give up

You have chosen me

And that means more than something

I trust you believe what you preach

I hope the tears I shed at the thought of the end didn’t persuade this decision

Can you actually commit?

Or am I setting myself up to endure your quiet quits

Either way it is pain

With that potential in the front of my brain

Compromise can be made

But I’d still be stealing a part of you

And I love you enough to let you go if that’s what you need

I never want you to feel suffocated by me

But I don’t want my nervous system constantly on edge either

It’s an impossible decision

Cupid never comprehends my pleads with wisdom

Wish this was mentioned far before we intertwined

But time surpassed us

We had no control in mind

Then tragedy hit us as if we were already old

and grey together

If we push through, and this is forever

Could you handle that?

If this progresses you may have to be monogamous for life

I can’t and I won’t promise I’ll ever be on your side

Does that terrify you enough to not try?

Or is my love enough?

Right now it feels like it isn’t

But there’s so much more to us that we haven’t had the chance to visit

So I hold on to that hope

For dear love

If this ends I have already decided I am done

But that was made before you came along

And opened my heart in ways no one has ever done before

Now I’m terrified

But not enough to shut the door

I’ll be fighting my fears for you like my skin is made of armor

I’ll be wiping these tears of doom, constantly reminding myself why we started

Those first 3 weeks may have been some of the best weeks of my life

We had many things taken in the following but that base feeling never took flight

I fall more in love with you every day

That,  I know will not change

But will the meaning of it stay the same?

I see a future with you

We have so many plans to follow through

I miss your touch

and maybe right now that’s why I feel so lost

I have been giving so much love and you’ve given back what you can

But given I got to see a glimpse of all you have, well maybe I just need that back

To feel safe

And secure

I’d be lying if I said I’d ever feel it fully again

I  truly did before you told me you were polyamorous

and I ache for that peace again but you bring me peace in so many other ways

You reassure me without me asking

You notice when I am masking

You love me on my bad days when yours are sometimes worse

You never make me feel like a burden or a chore

You come at me with reason through everything we have endured

You still crave to learn me

And I have not gotten to experience much of that yet

I think having you yearn me, may put my insecurities in to perspective

Why am I so worried?

If you are who you are

An angel, not a monster as you’ve been called

I see your purity

As well as your humanity

Neither of us will ever be perfect

Love will always cause some sort of insanity

It’s how we go about it

How we battle it together

How we grow from the sprouts that we planted but never got to water

Because the weather sent us a drought

We couldn’t have predicted it

It’s okay to have doubts

But if we don’t always focus on the negatives

On an end

Then I truly believe we can flourish an entire forest if we make amends with the negative tourists visiting in our heads

It will most likely not be easy at first

But as we receive the actions we need to worry less

I think we’ll be just fine holding our hearts in each others hands

I know your heart is still heavier than mine at the moment

From seeing a heart you care for devour the good in your person

It hurts me to see it happen

But I must let it

Must let you grieve

I may not know how to be there for you through it

But my ears were made for listening

I hope you know

Even if things do go the way they did with her

I will not lie and say you threw me away

Used me up until your desire fizzled

I know that’s not what this is

I know you.

I will hate every second Id have to grieve you

But I would understand

Although, I’m not sure I’d ever be able to be your friend

Once I love, that’s that

I don’t do it often but when I do it stays in tact

And I have to remove myself to save myself

Maybe years and years from now but

Currently the thought of you with someone else

Makes me sick to my stomach

if I’m completely honest

But that also doesn’t mean that’s forever

I have a few ex loves that I do love from afar

I don’t want that to be you

I want to love you near

So I guess my conclusion

Is you are worth the risk

We are worth the work

All of these what ifs, could have nothing on our love

The future is unforeseeable

Both a blessing & a curse

But in this moment now,

I’d love to be yours

and in this head that’s loud, saying you’d

you’d feel more free without me

I’d hope if that was truth that your mouth would open to tell to me to

let you go

Before I hopelessly aim to be your

forevermore