Forever Alone

I have no ambition.

People always tell me to be optimistic.

Then maybe I can escape this intense sadness.

But they don’t know what it’s like to be born miserable.

Even my mother jokes around about me frowning since birth.

I have been bullied all my life.

Then I became a bully to myself.

I am myself’s worse critic.

I can’t do anything right.

I can’t keep a job.

All of my friends eventually get tired of me.

It seems like no one cares for me.

I burden people too much with my sadness.

Therapy doesn’t seem to be working.

I apologize too much and then apologize for even doing that.

I have really bad social anxiety where I can’t even speak.

When I do I berate myself on my tone and word choice.

I can’t even satisfy myself with anything I do so how can I hold any type of relationship.

When I write stories there’s always a common theme of the main character needing to be saved.

The main character is always hurt in some way.

But the main difference between my stories and life is the main character always has a supportive circle of friends.

Which is something I long for but am afraid to say out loud.

Am I so bad that no one wants to be my friend or treat me well.

Isn’t it enough that I insult myself everyday.

I try everyday to be a semi decent human being.l but nothing ever works out for me.

Maybe I don’t deserve companionship of any kind.

Maybe I’m meant to be alone.