For Him

I wanted to be with you.

I didn’t know what I was doing or if I was doing it right—but I wanted to make it work.

I never wanted it to feel messy for you and I never wanted it to be confusing.

I’m sorry if it felt that way for you.

Maybe I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. Or maybe we just weren’t right for each other. We could blame it on the timing, we could blame it on the lack of time, we could even blame it on circumstance. But all I know is that when you held me—it felt right. When you took my hand into yours, I wanted to get closer. And when you smiled at me, pulling me in, I didn’t want to be anywhere else.

I could’ve been the most put-together woman in the world, but one look from you would’ve been enough to disarm me. One look from you was enough to make me shy.

I never fully understood the feeling of vulnerability resulting from one's eyes—that was until I met yours. How can the colour brown be so intense from softness and warmth? The memory of them is still so disarming that if I were to catch myself thinking about them now, it would be enough to make me want to cry.

Even when things ended, I didn’t want anyone else—I couldn’t even bear the thought of anyone else—touching me but you.

There was a moment in time where

all I wanted to feel,

was you.

All I wanted to touch,

was you.

All I wanted to know,

was you.

I never ached so much for another person as I did with you.

I was never in love with you.

But I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone quite like the way I loved you. You were so soft with me. Just the absolute sweetest. I don’t think I’ve ever told you, but no one has ever been so gentle with me in my life.

I had my doubts, but all of them stemmed from me. You were never to blame for my demons. In reality, I'm really not all that wonderful. I really hope I didn’t hurt you.

I really did want it to work.

I wanted you.

I wanted us.

But in the end, maybe you weren’t right. Maybe I was just another simple infatuation. Just another girl who momentarily attracted your attention, and when things ended for us, maybe I was easy to toss aside.

Or maybe, your feelings for me were truly genuine. And I know at one point, you wanted it to work too.

Yet still, you didn’t decide to stay.

Was romance all you wanted from me? Was who I was as an individual, not enough for you to stick around for? Was I not worth it, for us to try again even as friends? Was that all you wanted.

I want to convince myself that I knew who you were as a person. But the truth is, I’m not so sure of that anymore. Because in the end, you didn’t try. And despite claiming it, you didn’t want to stay.

I will never

ever

beg anyone to want me.

I've settled with the conclusion that things just simply did not work out for us. We were compatible in many ways, but maybe being lovers just wasn't one of them.

And that’s okay.

So I hope you find someone who makes you happy. Someone who’s better for you... and I hope you stay for her. Because as an individual, you are not a disappointing person.

You’ve just done disappointing things.

I hope she can give you things that I couldn’t give to you.

And I am

so sorry

that I couldn’t return

what you gave me.