Foetus

Consciousness cursed

betrayed before birth

thoughts become matter

poisonous anger, shatters

as cortisol seeps

Deep

into the physical

emotional

& spiritual,

infecting the mind

at a stage so critical

.

her wrath swaddles me

in poisoned flame

set ablaze

burning,

I’m Burning,

Yearning for relief

for release

help me, please

.

unsafe outwith

I’m frozen

unsafe within

I’m cremating

helpless, suffering

fire feeding

insatiable for fuel

hungry for

sweet, delicate

unshielded flesh

Unyielding

.

consciousness cursed

betrayed before birth

confined

isolated

condemned

hated?

Trapped

in Hell’s prison

that should have been

Heaven

======================================================

Author’s Note

When my young mother was pregnant with me, she was verbally and violently attacked by her drunk stepfather. Although his punch didn’t land (thanks to my aunt stepping in and taking that black eye) my mother was obviously extremely distressed.

As was I.

This event had severe repercussions on my life. Before I had even entered this world, my conscious had formed a world view that was something akin to this;

The world is not safe or predictable.

People are not safe or predictable.

Men, especially, are not safe.

Men are abusive and more akin to animals than humans, especially when intoxicated.

My mother can’t or won’t protect me.

My father is absent and can’t or won’t protect me.

I am not loved.

One minute everything is safe, and the next people will try to kill me. Life is extremes.

This world is unloving and violent.

Family means abuse.

I am trapped inside hell and there is no escape.

I have no choice but to accept and endure this suffering and pain.

I must keep trying harder to connect with my parents.

I must try harder in order to be loved and (therefore) safe.

I am vulnerable and easy prey.

It’s safer to keep moving from place to place. If I stay too long I may be trapped again.

I can’t scream.

No one can help me.

and so on….and so on….

.

These deep beliefs heavily shaped my narrative thus far and became the main programmes governing my life. It has taken decades to become aware of and do the excruciating work to undo these firmly held, detrimental and limiting beliefs.

It doesn’t take an incident as severe as this to severely, adversely affect the consciousness of an unborn child. All it takes is for cortisol to enter the mother’s bloodstream. That cortisol is poison to the human body and especially damaging to a vulnerable foetus.

Of course we are resilient. A baby won’t die if it’s mother spends a day or two in anger after all (what is the limit?).

However, we should not be talking about survival and what we can withstand. We should be talking about creating the conditions for a baby to thrive within.

A truly safe, loving, nurturing environment teaches a child to expect the same from his reality post-birth. If all children were nurtured this way? We would indeed see heaven unfold before our eyes. All it takes is for one generation to be raised free from trauma and cortisol poisoning.

I am only too aware of how vastly different my created reality would have been without this incident. Or without my mother having to work throughout her pregnancy (which was in a public bar / restaurant at a time when smoking indoors was legal). I can so clearly see how my life and beliefs about life were shaped by events that I had zero control over.

Just as your’s was.

What releases cortisol?

In short?

Stress. Fear. Anger.

No matter how much you think you can justify anger, grief, fear, your addiction to horror and gore, or ‘enjoyment’ reading about war, or addiction to toxic food products or sugar, alcohol, (and so on), there is no getting away from the toxic chemistry of negative emotion, chemistry and fear programming.

Spend enough time reading the academic research on the biology of emotions and the effects of cortisol and you will conclude the same.

We must awaken to this.

This is not just relavent to pregnancy. It’s relavent to all of us. After all, why would you consider the life of another more valuable than your own?