Foetus

The poem and the author's note are very moving and clearly from the heart.💙 Where are we as a species, as souls, if we don't make it an ingrained priority (more important than our own lives) to protect the innocent and those who care for (or bear) the innocent? Luckily babies are enormously resistant and powerful in their self-healing, so the damage done in utero is minimal for these things, but the early years of life in the same situation is very damaging. Nicely written and heart-breaking in your note. 💙Anneliese

Your poem is amazing, commanding so much truth and emotion. That repetition in the last stanza—wow. As to your commentary, I can’t say I fully agree, as others have stated. Cortisol is a natural hormone, it’s what wakes us up in the morning. It’s not JUST the stress hormone. I understand the poetic heart of this piece and of your connection to the terrible incident your mother suffered. I adore the process of connecting things like that to other life experiences, drawing the lines of understanding, and writing about them to better grasp it all. To say that a pregnancy that experiences too much cortisol is not a thriving environment for the baby, well, I'm not convinced. There are so many factors that provide fetal comfort: mother’s heartbeat, hearing mama talk, serotonin, etc. Now, constant fear or stress, yes—that is unhealthy for the mother, and an unhealthy mother can’t be good for the baby, though even then, babies are resilient when they are in the womb. I am more inclined to think that post-birth experiences hold more weight in shaping subconscious fears, habits, beliefs about the world, even at young stages of infancy. I wouldn’t doubt some of that can be acquired in utero, but I can’t believe that cortisol is the sole factor. Much of this is way more complex, scientifically speaking, than we can hope to ever understand; a mystery of God. The best we can do is be as healthy and natural as possible, to make the pre born experience match the post; for a peaceful pregnancy will matter very little if the post world is full of stress and fear. And to remember that hardships do make a person. I wouldn't want to coddle my baby and then throw them out to the cold world, unprepared. Complicated. Seriously, though; I adore your poem. Your style is so compelling and thought provoking, and a joy to read! Sorry for the long reply; this is a layered subject.

Omgggg, I'm so sorry that happened, to your mom, you and your aunt 🥺 I'm glad that you are doing better now. I'm filled with cortisol because all I have is my anger, hate, fear, grief, stress, and addiction to horror and gore. Also, the world isn't safe, people aren't safe and family is abuse. For all of the reasons above is why I would never bring a child into this world. I could never live with the guilt if I subject and innocent life to all these suffering. Your poem made me very emotional. I hope it wasn't too hard writing this and I hope you felt better after writing this. Sending you lots of love and hugs! ❤️

Wow! This is powerful. Honestly your talk afterward though, I can partially agree with you and I don't at the same time. And mostly, it's just from life experience. I AGREE - that when the mother is in distress the baby is in distress. And I do know that certain amounts of cortisol can cause a baby experience distress too. However, I am convinced more that the environment after the baby is born is more important. Mom was in a bad way while she was pregnant, but she kept being in that situation after I was born. I have childhood trauma caused by other people that I carry with me to this day. When I was pregnant with my first child though, I spent a lot of time in the hospital. And crying. And in a deep dark pit of despair. I had just had a bariatric surgery. So i was CONVINCED the baby was going to die. And that I became inconsolable. Not to mention the fact that I was pregnant at all was stressful. It was with a man I just left - for being a drug addict PSYCHO. when he learned I was pregnant he became very possessive and threatened to kill anyone near me and burn my house down with me in it. That was very stressful. Needless to say I had a LOT of cortisol in my blood. My daughter though, after she was born, I had made sure to get her away from any people who wouldn't protect her, or keep her safe. It was just me for a little while, just us two on our own but I showered her with love, kept her away from people who would make her feel unsafe. Today she is a 5 year old girl, who is for the most part EXTREMELY happy. And talkative. And stuff. She doesn't react well to stressors, I'll admit. But the biggest stressor she has is her biological father who to this day hasn't changed and has fought for custody and she has to go over there. She comes home traumatized sometimes and telling me things he did, and then sometimes she's sobbing because she doesn't want to leave him and she acts like she's never going to see him again, and yes, I am STILL fighting legally to end this with lawyers and such but it's been a rough go. He's basically using her as a weapon and damaging her in the process. The state of Tennessee insists that all biological parents deserve rights - and I'm hoping that in this case, I prove to them they are wrong. Her trauma responses did not start until after she started having to go to his house legally. So I'm VERY much pro nature vs nuture - and nurture can win out at least 80% of the time. Same with my niece, who is also my adopted daughter. My sister tried to kill herself when she was pregnant. When marlee was born, my sister was... she TRIED to be a good mom but ... She's got issues so she did things that traumatized my niece. When Marlee JUST turned 1, I got custody of her. She didn't know how to play, or eat, or walk, or anything. She didn't even smile. This ONE year old baby, didn't know how to smile or laugh when you tried to play or tickle her. It was the most heart breaking thing. So I worked my BOOTY off, and my bestfriend (sis) and her husband (bubba) worked theirs off with me, and even my daughter who was 3 at the time worked really hard to teach marlee how to be a happy baby. Sky taught her how to play, we worked on her with her eating (and teaching her that she's not going to be starved any more, she doesn't have to eat so fast she chokes), we taught her how to walk, we taught her signlanguage because for the first year she was nonverbal - Now she's 3 years old, going to pre-k, she laughs, she sings, does not EVER shut up, eats properly, laughs, plays pretend, aggravates sky like a true blood younger sister, uses her words, and she's even getting over how she is when she asks me for things. The first year was so hard that I can't tell you how many times i cried myself to sleep - some of that pregnant with my son - who by the way is the HAPPIEST baby on the face of the planet despite all the stress I was under with him for a lot of reasons. Now don't let me fool you, I understand cortisol poisoning. But I believe it affects the mother more than the fetus. And as an adult, we choose whether or not we allow things to affect us. Anxiety and stuff can definetly be instilled while we're in the womb, but the nature that happens afterward can help steady that. We don't grow as people unless we suffer trials and tribulations. I have seen kids who were in a 100% safe enviornment turn out to be the worst sort of individuals - simply because they were bored. As a mother, I never want to see my children have to FIGHT through life the way that I have... but I DO want to see them struggle. It's through struggle that we grow. So I hope they struggle, and they struggle and they struggle. But I only hope they struggle long enough to learn the lessons they need to learn before the struggle is over.

This was so powerful. My favourite line, "her wrath swaddles me" - clever and poignant. I don't fully agree with your commentary that follows, but it's insightful and I appreciate you sharing it. I'd argue that pregnancy itself can be extremely stressful. Birth, too - often extremely so. Many women face death at this time. Even when they are perfectly safe, the process often does not feel that way. It can feel chaotic, out of control, confusing, intense, alien. She may believe she is dying, or fear that her baby will die, even if neither of those things are going to happen. The trauma in that moment, the cortisol spike that she shares with her baby - they are very real, even if the threat is not. The physiological response in her body is the same to a perceived threat as to a real one. The adrenaline spike women late in the process is a physiological one with a positive purpose. The contractions themselves are stressful to both mother and baby. The pair are *built* to withstand these stressors. I don't think the solution is to avoid all stressors (cortisol inducing things), not least because this is not, in my opinion, a sustainable goal. I believe that women and babies, while certainly deserving of better treatment than they often receive, are also immeasurably strong and powerful in their own right. While you have taken from this the belief that your mother will not protect you, her very biology offered you some protection. The physical layers between you and the outside word - muscle, fluid, fat. Her body rearranged itself to accommodate and protect you, whether she wanted it to or not. The Universe, you might say, considered you important. You had a relative who willingly took a blow to protect a little person she had never met - you had never done anything to deserve such a show of empathy and courage from her. All you did was exist. Yet it was enough. Still, you remain on some level convinced that you are unimportant, unloved, un-loveable. That is incredibly hard-hitting for me, as much, if not more so, than your eloquent and emotional poetry.

very powerful

Again, very interesting ideas Kayleigh.. what is it called when trauma is passed down through the generations.. I forget the term. I don’t think it is just parenting styles (nurture & them projecting on us), but similar to you (I think) that some shared trauma is passed down through genes and our personality traits etc! I need to think a bit more about this. ☺️ Thank for a great poem and being so open Kayleigh.

Wow so much pain and feelings. Great poem :)

Heartfelt. Thank you for sharing your story.

💙 So much 💙

Poem is incredibly powerful, Kayleigh - emotional language. Well done.

Wow. Incredible poem and story, and also synchronicity. My recent haiku was literally about this exact same thing. My mom didn’t endure anything like the circumstances your mom did, but like you said – all it takes is cortisol. I’m just beginning to unravel the domino effects on myself and my life of this pre-childhood experience, and suffice it to say they are astounding. This really is not just an intuitive truth, but a fact of science that the world needs to start waking up to. Cus wow, the impacts r crazy. Honored to be here to witness your journey ✨🩷

Wow Kayleigh, this is so powerful. I’m sorry this happened to you and had such a negative impact though, that’s a terrible thing to happen

This is so heartbreaking. I’m sorry your mother had to go through that! It really is true that babies absorb the stress and anxiety of the mother. Greatly written but so sad.