five and a half years

5.5

Sounds like a length you’d run for charity.

But I can’t move forward without clarity.

I thought we could’ve made it that far

Instead, I’m pulling my sleeve past that scar

Because I couldn’t run this alone

While you were off with the unknown

I swear, I tried my fucking hardest

At a race that you purposely missed

5.5

I’m barely alive

You were a spectator at the end

Cheering while I suffered, crawling past the bend

You felt peace while you watched me fade

That course was too brutal to end up betrayed

Its obstacles broke me, left me bloody and bruised

And everyone but me could tell I was abused.

I guess that left hook to the face left me confused….

5.5

I’m barely alive

How do I do this alone

When there’s no one that feels like home

Running wasn’t easy, but running away is

Can I please forget…. I’m his, I’m his, I’m his.

And he most certainly isn’t mine

So, I’ll sit here with my glass of wine

And try hopelessly to forget the last 5.5

And that weekend, the six-hour drive.

when you swore, we were for a lifetime.

But then you said it to her, same place, same lines.

5.5

And I’m still barely alive.

The way you said “not now” when I took that test.

And how it made my worst mistake easier to digest

Not a day goes by where it’s not a regret

But I agreed, so is this me paying back my debt?

She would’ve had my eyes, and hopefully your hair.

I’m relieved she won’t have your inability to care.

Deep down I know there is no cure,

And I’d never admit it, but I’d sacrifice you to save her.

Because it killed me every day while you forgot in minutes.

The pain that caused pushed me past my limits.

I fell for every empty promise you gave of our future,

when you would’ve picked any other girl, even before you knew her.

But for me, it’s been only you…. for 5.5

With my heart clawed out of my body, how do I survive?

5.5

I’m barely alive

That track was too rough

I still break down when I see your stuff.

A future without you in it is too painful to comprehend,

And my heart is too broken to mend.

There’s pain, there’s heart break, and then there’s this.

Now I can only remember happiness when I reminisce.

It took me this long to realize the insincerity in your voice

I guess for you, “I love you” got to be a choice.

5.5.

I’m barely alive

I guess I should be proud that I gave it my all

But embarrassed how my hands shake when someone says…. Your name.

5.5

Am I alive?

It seems too long to be a joke or a game.

I tried so hard and was rewarded with shame

But you’re so smart and you played it so well

Like you wanted me to overthink, analyze and dwell.

Thinking back, I can see the smirk and glimmer in your eye

And how it grew bigger the harder you made me cry.

5.5.

I’m barely alive.

Two thousand and seven days

How could you not stay?

Forty-eight thousand, one hundred and eighty hours

But last valentine’s day you still got me flowers

Before you left to go see her

Two million, eight hundred ninety thousand and 800 minutes

The pain only lets me remember pleasant snippets

5.5

I’m barely fucking alive.

I can’t figure out what was true and what were lies.

Why did you do it, what was your goal?

Throw in the dirt, I’m too deep in this hole.

Anyone can fall out of love, but this was pure evil.

How could heart break be this lethal?

5.5

This pain isn’t something you get through

5.5

I’m still praying I survive you.