Fill in the Blanks

I can drown myself in an oasis of everlasting bliss far from genuine in even the slightest of manners. I can't begin to picture genuine bliss and happiness for I have never experienced such an imaginary concept. I’ve always imagined that happiness was only found in the arms of another man or women. Happiness as far as I was concerned was a thing very rare to be found without a lover. Or at least that was what my mother always told me, but I wondered how she could ever say such things. After all, my father hadn’t been around for as long as I could remember. Although, if I fixate long and hard enough, I can remember to the days where my height was the equivalent to the height of my mothers blushed knees. And I could remember faintly being picked up in the arms of the man who was once my father. A man who, with bright green eyes and a crooked smile, lifted me high in the air, erupting an exciting feeling in the pit of my stomach, etching not to put me down under any circumstances. Where had the days gone by?

Why had they gone by in such a flash?

Where had my father gone?

Why did he go? Those questions would be lost in a sea of millions. All unanswered, and all impotent. It was in moments like these I’d ask myself some melodramatic question, like, what is the meaning or life? Why do we live? Truth is, I have somewhat figured that out on my own and have yet figured out a way to elaborate in a specific manner. I also have yet to introduce myself properly, and as I write, I still try to find the way to do so. My thoughts scramble together like eggs. Very funny way to describe my thoughts, but it was true. In my head, was an utter chaos of words and thoughts that lacked any sort of correlation to each other, and didn’t sync well to any sort of specific thought. I was never one to really find a train of thought, instead I liked to take a path, that intersected another like a crossroad, only, there were many crossroads. Whether or not they led to a single concept or notion, I’ll never know, but I’d like to remain absent minded to anything that has any sort of meaning. And as I lay here in the comfort of my oblivion, I cry and wish for more than this. What I was wishing for, I had no clue but I longed for such an imaginary thing. And I cry, but why? It may have to do with the overflow of thoughts, that may be pouring out through my eyes. Too many thoughts, no good. Would I ever have the luxury of being buried in felicity, instead of inadvertence? What would become of me once I became aware of the destruction my thoughts could cause in the blink of an eye? I couldn't begin to comprehend my space. I start to float, and for a moment I feel free from mine own destructive nature. I am high, and unaware once again. And in this space I wish to remain for the longevity of my life. I wake, and sit up. And what had once occupied my head had vanished for a while as I began to walk past my door and head down the stairs. It lacked luster, and color of any undertone, and hue. All I could see after all was a white blue hue. I was dreaming again, just as soon as a had woken up. Not again.

An oasis of beautiful thoughts and sights surrounded me and filled my head with gorgeous nightmarish creatures of gold and silver. And as the sun rose, I desired a sunset lover to embrace me

Feel me

Love me

And to talk to me. When did I get to this. Why do I dream all the time?

Where am I?

What am I doing here ?

I’m smiling, and sobbing.

Why do I feel like I’m disintegrating? And in a matter of seconds I found myself descending in a black hole, the chaos had deluged, whilst I had distracted with my desires. I’m drowning. I need a twilight infatuate.

I wake up again, and feel light as air. As though a single breath could sweep me away into the atmosphere, ensuring that I’m never to be whole again. Although it wouldn’t make much of a difference as to how I am now. I start to doubt whether or not I was ever really whole in the first place, or if my thoughts and the toxicity of the corruptness of my memories have subconsciously pulled me apart as the years have gone by into small particles. Of what exactly I would have to wonder. Either my literal self, or my being as well as my rationality and endurance. Why am I rambling? Where am I?

How’d I get here?

I don’t know. As it was morning, night it was so, and I began to fall victim to the auroral light that invaded the small windows. Such small window panes. And I fell once again, but only to an empty mind. And just as soon as I had awakened, I was asleep again. I am warm. I am peace. I am love. I smile. For once I do not cry. I just, want to

Sleep.