Fighting Against Depression

I find myself

Falling backwards into

A black ocean

Freezing

Icy

Cold

An abyss that swallows me whole

And I let it

I do not try to swim upwards

My body simply shuts down

And I give in

And let the waves push me

To the bottom of the ocean

It is only when the tide

Throws me up

Back onto shore

That I feel okay again

And I stare back into the darkness

With hatred and terror

Fear of when I will be taken back in

I sit.

I sit at the edge of the oceans reach.

I stare.

I stare and stare at the dark pit

Only occasionally taking a moment

To note

A bird

A shell

Swimmers

Umbrellas

The sun

The stars

The clouds

I wait.

I just sit and stare and wait

For the tide to pull me back in,

Instead of standing

And walking up the sandy slope

Onto the boardwalk

Or home to take a shower

And wash myself

Of the salt

The sand

The chlorine

My eyes grow tired

My body becomes weak and fragile

My hair becomes matted

My skin becomes dry

As I sit and stare at the sea

Instead of taking care of me

I find myself petrified

In horror

At the power the ocean has over me

It has kept me immobile

I have spent my whole life

With my eyes fixated

On the darkness

But today

I choose to walk away

I stand.

I turn away.

I refuse to look it in the eyes.

The way back up

Is steeper than I thought

And the sand will make it hard to gain traction

I take a step anyways

The night has come on

And I am alone

Venturing to a place

I am unknowing of still

My spot in the sand

Calls to me

Beckons me to come back down

Spare myself the effort

It is my spot.

I keep walking up the hill.

I look up and notice the stars

I do not simply see them

They are not a reminder of the time

Anymore

The cosmic universe glimmers before my eyes

The stars bend down and reach out to me

They say my name

Softly, gently

The hand of the universe

Reaches down to put a hand on my back

And help me up the hill

And my skin shivers

From the unusual, unknown touch

But my insides are filled with galactical love

Spirit

Hope and Warmth

A kind that shimmers and glitters

And sheens

Like cool gems and jewels

While wrapping me

In a warm cocoon

That has previously been

Unavailable

And for the first time

In my life

I feel loved.

I walk.

I try to find home.

I walk outside my house

The afternoon sun

Beaming at me

An excitable, loving smile

I smile back.

My once dry skin

Glows

Under the rays of streaming sunlight

And my eyes are just as bright.

I am awake.

Alive.

A cloud passes by

Offering shade

And the occasional rain

On hot days

I revel in those moments

When a cloud looks down on me

In favor

And grants me protection

A defense against the heat

And when it rains

The drops of water

That fall upon me

Are always warm

Always kind

Always gentle

Touching my skin

The droplets go through

And fill me with a sense of calm

Like sweet, still water

Undisturbed

And simple.

I choose to walk to the beach.

The ocean looks different now.

It is no longer that deep

Dark

Pit of blackness

It is instead a vibrant sapphire blue

Vast, reaching beyond the horizon

The waves gently toppling onto each other

In fluid, repetitive motion.

There are hundreds of people around the ocean

They swim.

They lie down.

They are happy

At peace.

I see the smiles

So reminiscent of the sun

Shared between friends,

Children

Parents

Siblings

The whole world has a grin

To put forth in this moment

And their umbrellas reflect that cheerful

Hopeful

Exuberant

Child-like happiness

In all shades and colors

Shapes and sizes

I look up to cream white seagulls

Flying over head

Searching for food

Their wings stretched out

As they glide

Brave, daring creatures

That I somehow failed to notice

Even in all their swooping

And singing

I feel a shell under my foot

I lean over to pick it up

It’s a cochlear shape

And purple

Green

And blue

It holds my hand

Emanating serenity

Projecting joy

I walk down to the ocean

I stand in my spot

I gaze at the ocean

I gander

I take in the crashing sounds

The white foam that forms

At the end of each wave

The hours pass

I continue to stand

Trying to make sense

Of this beautiful sea

Everyone goes home

The night comes out

But even so

The ocean reflects the light

Of the moon

And it never once looks dark to me

I look to the stars

I make out a series of them

A connect-the-dots picture

I am filled with wonder

At the expansive universe I live in

I am tempted to enter the ocean

It calls to me

I wonder if that is what it wants

I choose not to entertain it

I smile to it

I turn around and walk the other way.

The sound of waves on the shore

Fills my senses

A chilling reminder of who I was

But my chin is lifted by the stars.

Gently

With warmth

A reminder of who I am.

I am struck

Once more

By it’s everlasting beauty