Facade.

A slight tremble

Plagues me

I can feel my body vibrating

My breaths are quiet and slow

But they're heavy

Each breath comes out struggling

It feels like I'm suffocating

But I stay steady

Never breaking pace

Avoiding where I stay

So I never get the chance to break

I wander

Place to place

Feeling a never ending shake

My mind teases me

Flashing images

Of how I could make it all go away

I walk

I drive

Staring off into space

Stopped in the road staring at a green light

Or

In a store pushing around an empty cart

Never feeling safe

Like any moment I could break

Sometimes I feel my face quench

And immediately duck my head

Somewhere I can't be seen

And hold it in my throat

Taking deep breathes

In through my nose and out my mouth

My breath trembles and my jaw quivers as I breathe out

And My heart knots

But I keep my composure

I keep going

I keep my eyes low

I make sure to never look anyone in the eyes

So no one can ever see a thing

I get home

Open up the box of Legos I bought to stay busy

Hoping it would be enough

I sit and open the first page of the instructions

Watch my hands tremble as I grab and connect each piece

Then I stop

Staring at the page

I slouch down

With my elbows connecting with my thighs and hands going over my face

My fingers reaching my hair and pulling

It's coming inevitably

I've been so sick

You can't stop it

When you begin vomiting.