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Existential crisis of love

It’s discovery, discouraging discourse & tragedy

By CadmaPublished 2 months ago 3 min read
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The existential threat of living every day creates plaguing conditional thoughts of why; when parts of you, you once loved have passed away. To grieve the loss of parts of yourself holds no promises of perfect healing. People may tell you to wait out the dark because light is inevitable like the rising of the sun but what they fail to say or remind you is that grieving the loss parts of you is gone and that you should try to love the broken pieces of what’s left.

But you don’t, I don’t, hours spent loving oneself from harsh lonely repairs become revered as wasted efforts when another tragedy comes along. Sure you can make excuses for yourself on why your personality is tweaked but after a new found horror and developing post traumatic injury in your brain; you forget how to seal the cracked parts left with love’s gold to make yourself whole again.

Most of us like myself had to try to learn from our own born tragedies to heal from, from our parents love, our friends and even the love of the hatred from our enemies. You either spend an eternity searching and nearly foraging for love for your soul’s needs in hopes somebody will love you for you both your yin and yang or you try your meek attempt to love yourself by staying guarded and never letting anyone truly in.

Those of us who seek that love from others to fill ourselves can get lucky but most seem not to; and while lacking consistency, reciprocity, acceptance and open honest respectful dialogue and communication we bounce from person to person adding to our tragedies until we learn how to have a loving relationship with ourselves; if we ever do.

Those of us who guard ourselves from connection are creepiest. We smile effortlessly and laugh and carry around dampened dark candle light. And when someone truly wants to love us we don’t love ourselves enough to let them in a contradictory self fulfilling prophecy proving we don’t deserve the good parts of love.

It is a treacherous journey of complexities created all in a word, a touch or a smile for every time we interact with another. The agony of living is a constant reminder of what we search for. Some people only expect love to come from objects more than people which creates a deeper hole in our hearts and minds more than we can admit. That search for love can leave you staring at the bottom of endless bottles you drink to numb or kill the thought of searching to begin with. Sometimes we find the love we’re looking for and put it up on a pedestal so high it’s out of our reach where it can stay beautiful.

I’ve traveled the same roads like every other person that has, is and will live on this forsaken cold planet. I too struggle no matter how bright my smile and warm my words but the fire that burns inside me burns me every day like a hardened repetitive transformation and once again before my doorstep stands a man with dark stormy blue eyes that hold pain, that has carried struggles, heartache. Stormy eyes that say I don’t deserve to be loved but I want to love something. The kind of stormy eyes that reach parts of you that you once grieved like the dead and kisses life into it; into you. They bring the kind of love you assumed did not exist for you. Teach you with every breath there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That the flame you burn in can be turned down to a comfortable warm while still feeling the beauty of a breeze. They blew in like storm that sets in their eyes and teach you a new form of love for yourself and for another; yet another tragedy forms from the fear of potentially losing what you have spent half a century searching for. There’s no larger battle than accepting the right love for you that you’re incredulously terrified to lose.

vintagesurreal poetrysocial commentaryslam poetrysad poetryperformance poetryMental HealthinspirationalheartbreakGratitudeFriendshipFree VerseFor FunFirst DraftFamilyfact or fictionexcerptsbook reviewsBalladart
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About the Creator

Cadma

A sweetie pie with fire in her eyes

Instagram @CurlyCadma

TikTok @Cadmania

Www.YouTube.com/bittenappletv

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  • Rafael Tavares Jr.2 months ago

    Feels like you’ve had some time to think and experience things. Very deep and thought out.

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