"Existence is pain!" and Other Lies I've Told - Mija Richardson

There will always be a feeling, a tingle. Right at the back of my mind. Sitting waiting patiently. Perhaps it's always there, waiting for some opportunity to come up where it asks questions, demands answers. It’s furious. Raging. Keeping calm can be hard, it’s happened before. It’s happened before. It’s happened before. My heart was broken when I was young, several times. I came back though, and grew. I’m halfway there now. Faced my demons, or still living with them whilst they sit and have coffee in the depths of my mind. Suspicion.

What if she goes out and makes a mistake? When she drinks it usually happens, a slip of the tongue, risque comments. She tells me it’s never intentional, that she loves me and only me. I believe her, but I don't. I can’t help it, how should I know? Why should I know? Familiarising myself with disappointment comes naturally now, but it isn't upsetting. It's just what happens, we should get used to it. She tells me, laying beside me curled against me, that she envisions a future, we’ll move in together, have a dog or two, maybe kids along the way. She beams, she looks so happy and gets so optimistic that she kisses me out of her own excitement. Do I envision this same future? Do i see permanence? I don't know, it’s happened before.

Often times we argue. She feels guilty, I feel indifferent. I shrug it off, i act cool and collected, yet there's hurt behind the words. Opening scars doesn't feel nice. She used to be worse, though. Threatening to die, leaving altogether. No logic, no respect for me. It’s happened before. Other times it was ignorance, blatant arrogance,and the anger coming from her sent accusing words down my throat and a fire up my spine, like a snake about to strike. I would describe her like a snake. She moves based off others vibrations, slithers her way through conversation and socials, keeps herself covered. But she is venomous. Toxic, even, it’s happened before. Lacking the ability of stealth or maturity, she strikes, the adrenaline flowing until the point where she bites. Hard. I’ve cried, it's happened before. She doesn't intend to hurt, I can see that, but no tact. No respect. It’s happened before.

Feeling the way I do is difficult, as the love I have for her is one I’ve rejected others for. As of late, it's getting harder. Finding the time to communicate, finding the time to connect. I offer support, lend her a hand where needs be, but she does stress me. I wonder if she knows what’s actually going on, but it’s happened before. Do i love her like I used to? Most definitely not. I never knew a snake. It’s happened before. The love has changed, the feelings are bare. She knows the consequences. She knows my boundaries. A smile here, a short answer there. I can’t express more than I have to, I’ve learned. Is there affection? There was, let’s keep it at that.

I hear stories from her, stories of past events with other guys. I don't know where the truth lies, I don't know how to think. The web woven by the tales is one involving lies and deceit, manipulation and cunning. I don't have the patience or time, it’s happened before. Something so simple as words have the most potent venom of them all. Do I believe what she says, or do i believe the outside? Who can I turn to, trust? My faith is placed, yet softly. No cement. It’s happened before.

Suspicion, like a snake.

COPYRIGHT Mija Richardson, 2021