Eventually Is Soon Enough

Everybody gets tired of the same stagnation. I get tired of stagnation and limitations. I get tired of peoples orientation and distinct discrimination. Being confined to the mind without a voice to express is the stress that clouds my mumbled vibrations. Not completely expressing what bothers me and not having anyone to utter and ask what’s wrong. Everything falls silent when my mind isn’t right and my feelings are down, I just learned to conform to the policies and messed up fallacies. Only ask if other people are okay, be considerate to their feelings, drown your voices and thoughts... don’t bother people. Don’t complain, don’t cry, and don’t dare to say no. Do what you’re told. With permission disengage from the situation, with limitations come back with all arms open. Allow others to strip you of your dignity and be happy. That’s the policies and fallacies I must not break. Follow them and watch myself crumble inside. Each day a little part of me is taken. Stress dealing with family and the unanimous decisions of the world. One day things are fine the next I’m confined. Mental depression never goes away it just gets quieter but when it’s at its loudest I find myself alone in the same situation, different faces and different explanations on why I was the one who was wrong. Stagnation and limitation is the jurisdiction I live by. Somehow became my own testimony. Only real thing about me is my brutal honesty and even that has a way of telling a little white lie. A little white lie that sometimes get twisted and mangled into fake news. I’m not Donald but everyone says their problems Trump mine. It used to take me by surprise but now I don’t want to fight it. When things are good I start to question it, because I just don’t give a f*ck anymore. My heart's failed on me so my mind gets in the way. The feelings for you my heart can’t explain so now my mind tries to take it in and make simple explanations as to why I’m not good for you. Then I fall down all over again just thinking about you. Not being able to satisfy you mentally, physically, and sexually and any other way that you need me. Seems to be a fever I can’t shake... Sometimes I just want reassurance but I know that’s not you. Then again I think maybe “I’m just in a mood” so I muffle my cries and weaknesses and insecurities in laughs and jokes. I want to ask you if you really need me in your life because your smile and words say one thing but I believe your heart and eyes say a different thing... But then again something's wrong with me so I kill the thoughts and whisper to myself I’m the only one you’re loving on and want. When everyone told me I’d never find someone for me... those words haunt me so I reassure myself and tell myself it’s okay until proven otherwise. I’m not easily spoken but very easily broken. Things are different when you aren’t me... things are quiet when I don’t tell you my thoughts. It’s easier that way... Things are just different when I wasn’t here nor there to stay. Plenty of people said just pray, things would get better and come your way. So every night and day, I’m on my knees praying that my voice is loud enough for the Lord to hear me. I pray for patience and understanding. Help me understand why I’m not normal and why my thoughts haunt me like no tomorrow. I pray for a recovery but I am patient because God is always on time. I pray for peace so my mind can sit at ease and I can be happy with my life. I’m down on my knees and I pray. I wait and I pray. I thank the Lord for every day that he gave me life and I didn't take it away. Eventually things will get better and I wont have this mental illness clouding my thoughts and judgement. Eventually I can wake up and say I deserve to be here another day. Eventually others will see me and say that they’re glad I didn't run a stray because it just wouldn’t be the same around the holidays. I offer laughs and good memories. Grateful for all that the Lord has done for me. Eventually I’ll be better and my family won’t be in denial about the things that trigger me. A ticking time bomb... Eventually time will stand still and I’ll be brand new again and I’ll feel the love, but for now I’ll sit tight. Waiting on that light and just pray. I’ll pray and wake again but I’ll sit quiet and tired till my Lord says my eventually has come.