Evacuation Order

The rain came in sheets

And the government said

Look out! This may do more than wet your feet!

Flash floods can kill you like you wouldn’t believe

So if you don’t want to be dead

Maybe just leave

Or at least stay tuned, throughout this monsoon

For you may soon receive

An order, in crystal clear terms which you must not conflate:

That

It’s time to evacuate

The park guy climbed up into the county truck,

And wondered how long he could lean on his luck

Before the authorities decided an order to relate

That

It’s time to evacuate

He watched those muddy waters rise,

The creek crept right up, it grew in size

Currents rolled before his eyes

A foot in 15 minutes to his surprise

He made his report

And his boss’s boss’s boss’s reply was short:

Fellas, that’s it!

We either get off the pot

Or we shit!

The waters rise at such a rate,

Now

It’s time to evacuate

The park guy drove to each picnic

He waded in through thin and through thick

So his voice would pierce the rain and slick

I hope this news won’t leave you folks rattled

But the county said it’s time to skedaddle

The waters are rising

And so are the risks

Which is why we think

No— we simply must insist—

It is finally time to discharge

And that’s an official order from those in charge

That’s right, and I’m sorry mates

But

It’s time to evacuate

He watched the revelers pack up and go

As the park itself now overflowed

He locked each lodge, he locked each gate

And then he realized, maybe a tad too late

He hadn’t checked the bathrooms!

And those seated inside might be doomed

So back he ran, sloshing through the currents and the grime

Racing the rain and running out of time

He knocked as he came to every door

His voice echoed from tiled wall

To damp tiled floor

And off the graffiti in each bathroom stall:

Park security!

Calamity!

If anybody’s in here, you must not delay

It’s time to go and go right away!

And I do hope you’ve been eating your fiber

Cuz if you don’t happen to be geared up like a diver

I’m afraid

(And here his voice fell to a hush)

I’m afraid we’re both about to be flushed

And that would be dismal— a horrible fate

So this isn’t optional, and it’s not up for debate

Quick—

You’d better empty out!

Right now!

And don’t you dare pout

Don’t try to argue, there’s really no use

Even constipation would be no excuse!

The county has issued an order today

And this is an order you simply must obey:

It’s time to evacuate

Authors note:

I wrote most of this in my head a couple days ago while I was at work.

I do actually work for the parks dept in a county that was affected by flash floods, and I was actually instructed to deliver an evacuation order to everyone onsite, clear the buildings, and lock everything down.

Every time I told somebody they had to GO because the county had issued “an evacuation order” it just made me internally crack up, considering the medical definition.

It’s like the county was ordering EVERYBODY to shit, immediately

Anyway, here are some songs for your listening pleasure, all relevant to the themes of this poem:

(Kansas Joe McCoy and Memphis Minnie, Johnny Cash, Tool, and Screaming Jay Hawkins)