Epistle On Time

Dear punctuality,

I passed you by the other day,

We were so close we could almost touch,

But I don't know if you knew how near we were.

I'm not sure anyone noticed,

But I did.

I always do, when I nearly bump into you.

Which is more often than I think they realize,

We just about brush sides frequently,

But something always gets in our way,

One way or another,

It's like fate doesn't want us to meet face-to-face, like maybe I wouldn't be able to handle it,

Or maybe it's just me,

Maybe I don't know who I'd be:

I'm afraid I'll lose myself if I lean into you,

My identity could be compromised,

At least I tell myself these things,

Not sure whether they're true or not,

Afraid to find out for myself.

By chance we meet upon occasion,

But am I ready to make a regular rendez-vous, consciously, of my own accord?

I ask myself these questions now,

But more often than not I try to not think about you,

Though you always creep back into my mind.

I can't keep you out of my thoughts because you affect me every day.

I start my day afraid I won't get to see you again,

Knowing no matter how hard I try,

How much I hurry,

I likely won't meet you again,

Though nobody believes me,

I do want to make you a friend.

Sometimes I try to fool myself and I pretend,

Delusionally, that we might get to spend some time together today,

But that day passes and goes as I knew it would,

Deep down, I know it's but a flight of fancy.

It depresses my mood that "we" are just a pipe dream.

I'd rather us be a reality.

But I know, no matter what they say, you do mean something to me, you mean a lot to me,

More than they'll ever know,

I care for you deeply.

Sometimes I wonder if you wait there,

And then when I don't arrive, you weep for me.

But I suppose I don't know how you feel,

Don't know if I ever will.

But I like to think that you care too,

That I matter to you.

Though that also makes me feel worse,

Because if that is the case,

Then I'm hurting you daily,

Over and over, seemingly every chance I get.

You probably think it's personal,

But know: it is anything but.

It's just something I'm working on.

It's not that I don't care for you,

Quite the opposite, maybe I think you're too good for me,

Subconsciously.

But that feels preposterous,

I know it can't be the case,

I know I'm better than letting my opportunities go to waste.

No matter what they say,

We don't need them anyway

You and I can make it,

And I know we will someday.

Sometime soon, we won’t be strangers,

We’ll know each other on a first name basis,

We’ll get there at the right moment,

When the timing is right.

We’ll know when it happens,

When each other’s in sight.

I’m followed by a shadow, your opposite, your nemesis,

And no matter what I do, I can’t shake him,

Don’t want to let him get the best of this.

One day, I’ll escape his influence,

When I shake things up, I won’t let him touch this newness.

It will be ours, the day I try it on and the suit fits.

There have been many days when we almost met,

But fate knows what it’s doing,

There is a moment which in stone is set,

When the tables will turn,

And the old ways will burn,

And the new journey will begin,

And for that, I’ll be right on time.

Yours soon,

Hailey