Endings.

Unravel.

I could unravel.

I think I did.

The day they came and told me you had ended.

I unraveled on the floor in my pajamas raining tears.

I broke into a million pieces.

My best friend floated down the river-

Without me.

A piece of me.

A part of family.

A sibling rivalry ended on a death.

I have unraveled since.

Every year.

Slightly the same every time I remember.

Where was the warning?

I had no sign.

Now I know it’s coming.

It hurts all the same.

~

Tears.

Tears come like rain.

Then a drought.

Floods are devastating.

But they dry up, leaving a faint odor.

When I cry I get a headache.

It makes me want to sleep.

Crying isn’t a tap.

The rain doesn’t come from a switch.

It builds up.

Pressure sizzles.

Steam rises when anger festers.

How does the year come around so fast?

I feel it coming every year.

The way one does when they sense rain.

~

Debt.

Life owes me a debt.

Or maybe you.

Will you come back to collect?

All the years I tried and failed.

All the months you gave to God and saved.

I was cheated.

You were snatched.

This wasn’t an end.

There was no time to close.

I am owed.

A debt to be repayed.

You were robbed of your days.

What is a sibling without a brother?

~

Arrested.

My heart arrested every time you flinched.

Your hands would shake.

I would watch from the corner.

The way we caught you as you fell.

Like we were made to line around you.

I close my eyes now.

I can’t repeat it.

God was cruel.

He gave me another one.

Broke my heart, arrested my days.

I would rather you.

I won’t do it for anyone else.

I learnt my lesson.

It’s just me left now.

Me and mine.

But not you.

~

Freedom.

Freedom is relative.

Tied down by life’s shackles.

I just keep on breathing.

Now I love more.

Other souls to care for.

There is no freedom to life.

In life we love.

So therefore we fear.

Can’t live without death.

Crying without love is not possible.

To live is to die.

To love is to hurt.

There is no freedom here on earth.

Only rules.

Only love.

Plenty of death.

~

Falling.

Falling through time and space.

Reaching down to catch.

Protect the head.

Running. But it’s too late.

A paralyzing millisecond before the action.

When you know in your heart before you see it.

The look on his face as he turns his head.

Eyeballs rolling.

Hand twitching.

How loud can I scream this time?

Did you feel it the last time, when you fell alone?

Now I fall for it every time I wake up-

A trap that makes me forget.

~

Crash.

I don’t crash.

Not anymore.

I burn.

The midnight oil.

A purple candle.

Time to spare.

No one to save now.

You crashed alone.

They told me gently but it still felt head on.

Can you break devastating news gently?

Crash.

Crash.

Crash.

They all followed after me.

I was the one with the news to tell.

I broke everyone.

But you were just gone.

I heard her cry.

I heard him scream.

But no one heard you at all.

~

Injury.

I am injured.

There is no cut to bandage.

No stitches to mend.

I must be ok then.

No one can see any damage.

It must be just me.

my inability to breathe.

It’s all in my head.

They said.

It’s time to move on.

He is in a better place.

Really?

Everyone is stupid.

I know my own injury.

Let’s not add insult.

You don’t know.

I hope you never do.

Your ignorance must be bliss.

~

Separate.

Can you separate grief from the cold?

Now broken friendships.

Families feuding.

The boss won’t understand.

The landlord was kind though.

I am separate from the world.

We are siblings separated.

Joined in sadness.

Split with grief.

Watch between the cracks.

Living separately side by side.

I’m suppose to be ok remember?

Life goes on.

They forgot what I lost.

I am counting the days you missed.

~

Fail.

Yes.

I did.

I’m sorry.

I’m so very very sorry.

That I failed.

Fail.

Failed.

Failure.

Failing.

No going back.

~

Stop.

Did I stop?

I don’t think I did.

I threw myself at every project.

All the ways I could save someone like you.

I took so many photos.

People made comments at me.

Always behind a camera.

I didn’t want to have nothing to show for my memories.

I never stop looking for photos of you that I haven’t seen.

Stop hurting.

Stop grieving.

Stop seeing signs.

Stop.

Stop death?

I just wanna sleep.

~

Diagnosis.

You had to live with it.

Paralyzing.

Suddenly and fiercely it was your life.

Your diagnosis stumped me.

Why.

Where did it come from?

How do we stop it?

Pills don’t help.

Your head screams.

The body shakes.

My heart stops.

Every. Damn. Time.

I hate your diagnosis.

Now I hate your death.

I can’t watch it now, on tv.

I close my eyes.

My heart still stops.

My memories of you hurt.

Can you diagnose grief?

They say ‘seize the day’-

I don’t think so. …

~

Wane.

Conversations with a waning moon.

I wish you would answer me.

All the years I spent remembering.

I wasn’t alone.

Dad missed you fiercely.

I stood next to Dad’s pain and mine felt normal for a moment.

It never wanes.

Feels like yesterday for us both.

But Dad’s health wanes.

Death returns.

It was you and me and him.

Then it was me and him.

Now it’s just me.

The moon wanes as my heart grieves.

Who is going to hold me up now?

I am no longer loquacious.

~

Expiry.

I know life has an expiry.

Usually marked in bold black letters.

I had no warning with you.

No best before instructions.

Did I say I love you?

You would’ve said Ditto.

I was given a warning for Dad.

A few months at best.

But then they took it back.

One moment later.

Reprinted the label.

Say goodbye, he dies tomorrow.

He tried so hard to hold on.

Death took 3 days to take him.

‘Good on you, Dad.’

I hope that it was quicker for you.

That it was instantaneous.

I guess I’ll never know.

I hope Death was kind to you.

~

Waste.

Shit.

Fuck.

Pay attention now-

23 years to live.

Was it a waste?

Robbed of 77 years?

All this time I’ve spent wide awake in grief.

The years I wondered where you are now.

Every. single. thing. I. found.

Hoarding.

I kept it cause it was yours.

All the letters that I write to you.

Inkless sorrows spent.

Every prompt that is filled with you.

Am I wasting my time keeping you alive?

Has the world had enough of learning who you were?

It’s not ok.

Death was a waste.

Who will remember you when I’m gone?

~

Gone.

Gone but not forgotten.

That’s what they say.

So how do they get out of bed in the morning every. Single. Day?

Some days I don’t.

In bed lost in my head.

Buried.

Dried up.

I didn’t forget.

It’s always yesterday.

How can you be dead?

You were only just here.

A decade of yesterday’s.

Inconceivable.

How can a man as magnificent as our Dad just cease to exist?

Magnanimity.

My gentle pair of giants.

I know you are dead.

But I have to tell myself what that means sometimes.

Electric shock.

A cold fright.

A brutality in definition.

A re-snap.

~

Burn.

They burned you.

Dad too.

I could have stayed by that coffin in that funeral home forever.

It was you in there right?

I could hear you in my head laughing.

Telling me I’m holding on to nothing.

But it was you.

In my memory the coffin was so large.

Maybe it was the flower arrangement on top.

Dad’s coffin was so much smaller.

I wondered how he could be in there.

I didn’t dare open it.

I want my father’s face to be bright and vibrant in my memory.

The way your face is.

Does he laugh up there with you?

How I miss his booming laughter.

Burnt.

~

Ash.

He kept your ashes.

He said your wish was to be with dad in life-

So in death you will stay with him.

So when I visited I got to visit you in his garden.

I wonder how he coped with seeing you there each day?

Perhaps some days he stayed in bed too.

So when the time came-

I took you both home with me.

You are in my garden now.

Together at last we all are.

I sit there.

A lot.

I wait for the immensity to swallow me whole.

I’m sure that this time it will take me down.

But it is never so easy is it.

Your plant died today.

And then I rained.

~

Bury.

Can I bury all my grief?

Will it let me breathe at last?

I could bury dried flowers-

In auburn vengeance,

In a frenetic attempt

To keep my hands from being idle.

I can’t bury my feelings-

What poet can?

Give me something to bury-

Or hold.

Something to hate.

Somewhere to cry.

Come back and argue with me.

I look crazy doing it alone.

Now I have you both.

Buried in my garden.

I have a place to cry.

It still hurts all the same.

~

Eulogy.

I couldn’t write yours.

I was waiting for your help.

My muse, my funny inspiration.

Giggling.

I went early to the funeral.

Sat alone by your coffin.

I needed proof.

Book and pen.

What to write.

Numb.

Your name was etched in bold.

A plaque across the front.

I called your phone.

Your voice recording answered.

17 times.

I heard you laugh.

Inside my head.

I wrote you as I know you.

Cause I’ll never accept you’re gone.

I stood up there to read.

I began to snap in half.

I turned to fall.

But there was Dad.

His face as broken as my heart.

I think he carried me home.

I couldn’t write for Dads-

No one did.

He would understand.

I was on the floor.

~

Break.

Time to go.

My feet won’t move.

I didn’t break.

I broke apart.

I couldn’t leave him.

Dad was dead.

The director said-

It’s closing time.

I wondered who would carry me out.

The moment I broke-

Was years before.

I finally got him on the phone-

I told him.

And I heard him scream.

He yelled -why??

What happened?!

And the line went dead.

That is when I remember the break.

I never mended.

The scar is raw.

The break re-opened.

But I was the last of my kind.

~

Quit.

I quit the tournament.

The day he died.

I knew it was time.

No one to save me anymore.

She played her games -

They all tried.

But I fell away.

Shut the door.

Closed up shop.

I’m not a batting cage anymore.

Keep calm.

No drama.

They don’t know how it feels.

Their screams are on mute.

I left the building.

Straight out the front door this time.

Quiet.

Peaceful.

Time for me.

Me and mine.

My garden joys.

Sadness.

Anger.

Country air.

~

Cut.

I cut the weight.

Boundaries.

Always trampled.

No more tornados for me.

They come back sometimes.

I step aside.

They fall over their own plans.

Cut the crap.

They don’t know how.

I am quiet now.

Can’t fight with silence.

Speak.

For what matters.

No more sand.

The hourglass is broken.

~

Cleanse.

Broken glass.

Spilled sand.

Bare feet.

Numbed.

The doors are closed.

The tangerine sunset has spoken.

Time for a new day.

Salt in my memories.

All I was for them -fell away.

Who we were- is who I am.

I let go of them,

To make room for you to stay.

~

Sold.

We sold Dad’s house.

Some of his gear.

I kept the frogs.

His guitar is next to yours now.

I bought a house.

There is so much space for you to stay.

I think Dad would like it.

So many things for him to fix.

I garden a lot.

I write in your chair.

Thinking of you both.

I talk sometimes.

Are you there?

~

Letter.

I wrote so many letters.

One for every occasion.

I’d sit under trees and find myself drawn to a pen.

Now I write in my phone.

All the words you missed.

All the stories you belong to.

I have an epistolary of sad strength.

It’s been a decade of tear soaked ink.

This year though-

I didn’t write to you.

I wrote to the rest of the world.

They all know you now.

As they should.

~

Forgiven.

The day I see God-

I’ll be looking for you.

I know I’m forgiven-

For forgiveness is written.

I’m waiting for yours.

~

Epiphany.

You died.

I use to fight death.

Worry.

Hate.

Death and I,

We are not friends.

We are not enemies.

My epiphany?

So long as I am alive-

I can remember you both.

I can write you back to life.

I can be whole between the lines.

VJHD

~~~~~~~~Thankyou for reading 🕊️

Caption:

This piece was written over a week.

Let me explain.

I found this page, @apoetonaroad, who was putting up daily word prompts to the theme of ‘ending’. I was checking back now and then but it wasn’t working for me. Then I looked back on the 28th day and saw all the words as one long list in my head and realised I had something to say.

I decided to write a stanza to each word. Which would be 28 stanzas.

That is very very long for Instagram and won’t ever fit on a post. So I have published it here on vocal and on my Patreon.

I sent an un-finished copy of about 5 stanzas to Angelique with the remaining words at the bottom of the piece for reference to see what she thought but she misunderstood and thought this was the finished piece with the words laid out at the bottom/by the way she loved it as is. She was right, it did work that way.

So here is the finished piece of my journey through grief.

I have lost a lot in my life, starting from close colleagues to a dear family member having a still born, to my best friend of 20 years and my Poppy passing😢. Until we come to the death of my brother a decade ago this week and then my father recently.

I have completed the piece, quite honestly it was hard to do because some words stumped me simply because I have some fairly deep buried thoughts on this.

There is no blueprint to grief, but if one wanted to try and make one, the disjointed thoughts we have about death in our lifetime all together In one poem may just be the closest you can get.

I hope the finished piece will help someone through their own grief one day.

I may make the full poem a small illustrated book one day.

PSS: Angelique over on @fromthenreathofdaydreams and @vjhd.writer had done an exclusive read of the full piece in our live- first to ever be read or seen today on the 29th January 2024.

Prompt words used from @a_poetonaroad

28 prompt words for Ending: Unravel Tears Debt Arrest freedom Falling Crash Injury Separate Fail Stop Diagnosis Wane Expiry Waste Gone Burn ash Bury Eulogy Break Quit Cut Cleanse Sold Letter Forgiven Epiphany

Thanks to @a_poetonaroad for the inspiration.